Time Heals All Wounds

How many times have you heard or said that in your lifetime?  I have A LOT.  But to a certain degree it is a lie.  A few definitions of a "wound" are trauma, gash, laceration, or injury.  We are not talking about a scratch or a cut.  We are talking about an "injury".  And over time that injury heals usually leaving a scar and around it a sort of numbness.  It is never quite the same in appearance and in feeling. It heals but YOU know it is always there and YOU know what caused it.  Wherever it occurred that place is changed. Same thing with losing a loved one.  It leaves a scar and a numbness in a little piece of your heart and soul.  A year ago this Friday at 7:05 my husband passed from this earthly life into eternity.  And in the months following I was extremely busy dissolving Shelton Plumbing, trying to work, trying to cope, and trying to live.  A lot happened. Katie wrecked her car, my house was broken into ,there were family disappointments, and then there were the holidays.  I didn't even have time to heal or to even  try.  And to be honest I am pretty sure "healing" wasn't something that I even wanted at that point. Then the new year came, I moved offices, Katie got engaged and I looked up and saw that time was moving on.  I knew it would but I felt like I missed it.  Missed what?  I'm not sure. But there was an emptiness that I felt most days.  Most of 2015 was a year of "lasts" and we both knew that.  Last birthday, anniversary, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Katie and Blaine's birthday. Just a lot of life events we knew we were never going to experience together again.  2016 was supposed to be a year of "firsts".  First this or that without him.  But I didn't do that.  I didn't do a lot of "this time last year" because this time last year was hard and I didn't choose to relive it.  So now his death date is approaching.  A year.  I foolishly thought that if I could just hit that mark that things would be "better".  But I was lying to myself.  I have caught myself the last 4 days reliving "this time last year" and the wound feels fresh.  And I am dreading Friday.  Granted he will be just as gone then as he was a year ago but there's something about it that makes me so sad.  But with the grace of God there has been healing. I have gone on and I have done all I can to honor his life, our life, and our love. I have a good life and one that I think would please him.   But there's still a scar that no time can heal.  There is a numbness and a piece of me that will never be the same.  His death wounded me beyond what I ever thought I could bear.  But I have.  I am grateful for my family and friends and for my faith. I am grateful for God's grace and mercy to us during that last year and to me during this first year. I am blessed that in those last moments mine was the last name on his lips and my love for him were the last words on mine.  I cling to that. So time has helped and healed but there is and will always be a scar.  Just sayin'.

Morning musings

How are you?  I get that a lot these days.  Sometimes with that sad funeral voice.  Sometimes with care and concern and sometimes from a sense of obligation. I say okay but what I want to say is...Being a widow is hard.  Let me just say that again.  Being a widow is hard.  For most of your life you have been a couple.  A duo.  A combination.  I have spent all of my adult life being George and Joyce or Joyce and George.  Not a fan of being just Joyce.  She is not near as interesting or funny or happy as she was when she was part of George and Joyce.
I want to say  I am navigating waters that for me are deep and scary at times.  Sometimes the sea is calm but most often it is not.  I don't know what's out there but know that I have to just keep moving forward.  I have no choice.  I want to say throw me a life preserver.
I want to say I know who I was with him and I try to find her and be her now.  Strong, confident, and my mama's girl.  But I never knew that HE was what made me those things.  That I was the balloon that before you could get it tied it flits all around the room.  He was the balloon master.  He would grab it and either get the knot tied or let the air out a little at a time. 
I want to say I wish I could tell him thank you for that.  That I miss that the most.  That I could weather this if he were here to monitor the balloon.
I want to say while your life has gone on as it should this weeks marks 5 months since he died and was buried.  How am I?  Awful!! Not outwardly but inwardly I hurt, I miss him, I am sad, and I wonder if it will ever be different. And while I know it will be because people lose loved ones every day and have since the beginning of time and survived, I just wonder when that will happen.  And how will I feel when it does.  I don't want to forget, or get "used to' this but at the same time I am fairly certain that I can't function like this indefinitely.
I want to say I need someone to monitor my balloon.
I want say here's the thing..........2015 was a year of lasts. We knew that it was our last anniversary, birthdays, father's/mother's day, rodeo, Easter, spring, summer,even plumbing school.  It was the last year of us. But we just kept on because to not do so would have been to deny life.  Now enter 2016.  New year and with it most people feel like a new start.  All it feels like to me is a year of firsts.  First everything without him.  Hard to be excited and hopeful about that. 
I want to say that I am coping through  work (which is such a blessing), running (which helps a lot), praying (but not as fervently as I did), reading my Bible, and trying every day to be okay.  I know that is what he would want.  I know that is what I want.  But it is hard. I am not a crier.  I AM an emotional person (some might change that word to dramatic but they are my friends and are hateful).  I cry at movies, videos, music, books, puppies, etc.  You know, your normal stuff.  (That's all normal right?) But now I just cry over the weirdest things.  And when it comes, it comes with a force and usually in public places where you just have to give in and let go.  It's mortifying.  And there is no stopping it.  Not a fan of that either. 
So how am I?  Depends on the day, hour, moment.  I think for the most part I am doing okay but the last few weeks have been rough.  I think it was the new year and everyone talking about new beginnings.  I think because this is the anniversary week that he died and was buried. I think because we always had ONE anniversary and it was the day of our marriage.  Now that is gone and has been replaced by a new kind of anniversary.  One of loss.  One of "this time last year..." and for this year only.  How awful it will be when even that passes.
 I think about how next week marks a year that we heard that awful hateful word........cancer.  I think because in the last few months several people have died from cancer (some were famous but you feel like you "knew them' and some were close to me).  Seems like the cancer is winning.  Not a fan of that either.  I know that God is in control I just am not sure why He feels cancer is a necessary thing in this nasty world of ours.  Maybe that is why.  Because this world is so full of sin that what is one more thing?
So how am I you ask?  Surviving.  Trying to be happy or should I say content in a world that is so different than what I have ever known.  Can't remember a time that we weren't us. Determined to keep my head up and live which is what he would have wanted more than anything. Some days it's just harder than others.  Just sayin'.

I Had No Idea!!

The most common thing I hear these days about losing George is "I had no idea he was even sick". Believe it or not, that makes me happy. Sort of. You see on January the 22nd, after a 1:00 in the morning  rush to ER for what we thought was a heart attack, we had no idea it would be so much more.  After finding out it was pneumonia, being up all night, and getting George admitted into the hospital, we heard the dreaded word CANCER..we had no idea.
George was adamant that we only tell family and a few close friends that we knew would join us in prayer and be there if we needed them.  Some family members chose to put it on social media which was very hurtful to us both but for the most part we were able to keep it quiet.  He wanted to work and wanted me to work and felt strongly that if people knew he was sick they wouldn't use me and for sure wouldn't use him. But we BOTH managed to work up until August and that is the month he died. Few had any idea.
In fact, I cannot tell you the people who through either my FB page, cards they sent, or at the visitation, or the services, came up to me and said "I had NO idea."
It made me smile.  I wanted George to know that we did it.  That we didn't become "something to talk about" or "people to feel sorry for" which were his greatest fears.
Seven months to the day, from the day we found out, on August 22nd, we laid him to rest. We had no idea it would be so soon.
The day I made "arrangements" I had no idea he would be gone that day.
While he was sick and after he died I realized that I had no idea about a lot of things.  No idea of the love that people  had for us, of the amazing support and prayer that would last after he was gone.  No idea that people would come on short notice and pack the church for the service and swamp the funeral home the night before.  No idea that people would reach out to me in ALL kinds of ways because they loved us.  BOTH of us.  No idea people would STILL be checking on me and Katie and yes even our dog Petey weeks and months later.  Our vet called two weeks after the service to make sure me AND the dog were okay.
I had no idea that when a friend and I were leaving Western Sky that the owner would stop what he was doing (even though it was roping fiesta weekend and packed) and take me aside and tell me how much HE missed George and was I okay.
I had no idea of the generosity of acquaintances and people who just "knew" us.  
I had no idea that at the cemetery a young man would come up to me with tears streaming down his face because while he was going through a divorce George showed up at his work one day to just "check on him" and tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay.
I had no idea that some people would take George's death and try to use it to their advantage by saying that I wasn't going to be coming back to work to a potential client.  (and by the way, I AM working and HAVE been with the exception of the few weeks after he passed)
I had no idea that people would judge my actions, my grief, and just about everything imaginable.
I had no idea that my friends were so fierce. 
I had no idea how strong I am even when I can hear my heart breaking.
I had no idea how much people cared.
I had no idea that people George and I would have least expected to step up did so and in big ways.
I had no idea how stupid some people can be when someone dies.
I had no idea how much his death would change me.  In good and bad ways.
I had no idea that when I went to the chemo lab/dr. office  for the first time that the people there would not only call me by name but come to me and smile and hug me and tell me how much they had been thinking of me.
I had no idea that when I told him it was ok, that I would be fine, that I would be. Most days.
I knew we had a great marriage and tremendous love and respect for each other. But I had no idea that our friends and loved ones knew it.
I had no idea that while I was putting one foot in front of the other every day , with great difficulty, for him that he was doing the exact same thing,with greater difficulty, for me.
So while many of you had "no idea" of what we were dealing with (which is how he wanted it) we had no idea how all of this would impact so many people.
I always knew he was a good, kind, humble and loving man.  I just had no idea that so many others knew it as well.
Just sayin.

Be Careful What You Say

People like to talk.  About anything and usually anyone.  I know.  I am a people.  But as I have gotten older and witnessed many tragedies and triumphs in people's lives I have realized that you have to be careful.  Everyone has a story and it is just that..........THEIR story.  Not yours.  Not for you to pass along, not for you to ponder about with someone else, and not for you to even really give your opinion.  Some things are personal and private yet those are the things we want to talk about the most.  Why is that?  So we can say we "know", or we "knew first", or perhaps by speaking them it somehow makes us a part of the story whether it be good or bad.  I have been guilty of telling people's story without permission.  I have been guilty of pondering about it with others.  I have been guilty.  And I am ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't realize that none of that was helping and many times was just making things worse.  I get that people care and they are concerned but even good intentions can do harm. 
We have had a rash of tragedies in our community in the past year and social media tends to fill up with people sounding the alarm.  A sort of FB Paul Revere if you will.  Did you hear?  Who knows what happened?  Or, worse, they put information out there that is totally unsubstantiated.  But these stories involve real people just like those that are putting it "out there."  Why? 
I remember an old song that said "silence is golden, but my eyes still see."  Just because you see it does that mean you are required to declare it?  I think not.
And if people choose to share their story and put it out there...that's different. But let THEM do it. Nothing is sacred anymore.  Everyone knows everything about everyone.
If someone has a trial or a triumph I think it is up to them as to whether they want it on social media. Or in other people's conversations or even on their lips for that matter.  And I know that everyone, myself included, gossip to some extent.  EVERYONE! Not easy to admit but it is the truth.  And to be concerned or to try to "help" a situation is not that.  But I am just amazed at the people that pride themselves on being "in the know" as if it somehow makes them better? I have changed my perspective on things in the last few months and I want to say I am sorry that I have ever told, speculated, or spread someone else's story.  And even though I never really felt like I was doing harm, it was wrong.  It's always wrong.  Hard to accept but that is the truth of the matter.  It's gossip no matter how you view it.
So, in the future, if you feel the need to tell a story that isn't yours...........think twice.......because some day it might be your story and how would you feel about someone else telling it?  Something to think about.  Just sayin.  

Fear Factor

I don't know about anyone else but I am a worrier.  I wasn't always.  In fact, I am not even sure when it happened but I am going to say at some point in adulthood.  Perhaps because when George and I started out I was really young (like REALLY) and he had four kiddoes and a failing business and what was I thinking?? Ok, I simply said that before you had a chance to.  What I was thinking was that I loved him and that with my "can do" attitude I could make this work and everything would be fine.  And for 37 years it has been.  For the most part.  But there were a lot of "scary" times for a young woman trying to raise kids that weren't hers, and helping salvage and restart a plumbing business, of which I knew nothing about, and maintaining the everyday necessities of life at the same time.  It was hard.  On all of us.  And I worried.  A lot.  Was I doing a good job with the business?  Was I doing right by his children?  How were we going to pay the bills?  And was this something I could and wanted to do?  The answer to all of that was yes.  I did the best I could at such a tender age and we made it through.  Shelton Plumbing is also 37 years old, the kids are alive and well, we paid the bills and even managed to accrue more bills and have a child of my own.  I went to college during all of this, started a career and retired from it and started a new one. I have seen friends and loved ones married and buried. And the things I was afraid of?  Don't seem scary at all anymore. And the things I never worried about? Are scary things indeed. Just sayin.

I'm Baaack!!

Wow! Haven't posted since January of 2011!! The times they have changed indeed.  I am now four years away from the death of my mom and though I still miss her, I am past that gut wrenching grief and focus now on the memories and the happiness that she brought to my life.  My daughter has graduated college, gone back for an alternative certification and is a 5th grade science teacher and doing well.  My husband had a heart attack that required two stents; but that is almost two years behind us and we have changed our lifestyle (some) and he is working and just as ornery as ever.  I finally retired from teaching and am entering my 4th full year in Real Estate and would have NEVER thought that I would love it and be as successful as I have been. People have come and gone, some for the best, others it was the absolute worst.
I am looking forward to 2015 (sort of) and you will be hearing from me on a regular basis.  I went back through and read almost ALL of my former posts and I miss that person.  Hoping she is still in here somewhere 4 years later and that she will have something to say!!! See you soon!!

WEIRD WEEK AHEAD...

I am sort of dreading this week but at the same time not really. On Thursday, February 3rd, my mom would have been 90. We had already planned the party she was going to have. I had notified family back in the summer to make sure that everyone was here to mark the milestone. Mom, who normally never wanted a "fuss", had said "yes we should do this. I mean how many people do you know who live to be 90?" And then as EVERY year on her birthday she added "as long as I can have my family together that is all that matters." So I began letting people know. And now she won't be here. EVERY year for as long as I can remember the last weekend in January I go to Wal-Mart and buy birthday cards for mom, my brother John (his is the 4th), anniversary card for George (it is the 3rd also), Valentine cards for mom, Katie AND George and always leave feeling ahead of the game. I did it again yesterday but left minus HER cards. Felt weird. Last night or should I say early this morning I dreamed of mom for the first time since she died. It was so real. And in the dream the only words she spoke to me were " I missed my mom alot too." And she did. And I miss her A LOT and the grief has diminished but the feeling of "missing her" has not.

Also this week I will celebrate 33 years with George and I am proud and thrilled about that. Just know it will also be on my mom's birthday. Don't want to take away from the day but at the same time just.........I don't know and am suffering writer's block trying to convey my thoughts. I know this, I love George and am PROUD that we have been together through it ALL....just like "not many people live to be 90" not many people stay married anymore. So I don't want to take ONE THING away from him but am not dumb enough to believe that the day won't be hard.

THEN tomorrow the department heads are meeting before school because of a suicide this weekend from one of our former students. We need to "have a plan" in case it impacts our kids/campus. And it probably will. So frustrating that we old folks are doing everything we can to live and our young people just willy nilly take their lives. Teen suicide just makes me angry and I have seen too much of it in 25 years of teaching...so there is that. Me,grieving, a parent who had lived a long full life while there is a mother somewhere in town grieving the life of a child who had so much to live for.

ON Saturday I will attend a retirement seminar to see what all is involved in removing myself from my profession. That is going to be weird as well. Am looking forward to retirement, but at the same time teaching has been all I have known for my adult life. I am excited about doing something new but at the same time, there is comfort in the familiar.

And through all of this I wish mom were here for me to tell and talk to and question.

So, John's birthday, mom's, our anniversary, and a look to the future to round out the week. Like I said, weird week ahead. Wish me luck...I am going to need it.

"Seasons Change and So Did I"

That song lyric came to me as I realized I am sad today. Not down, not depressed just Webster's dictionary sad. I have come to several conclusions about me and my life that aren't easy to face or admit. First I have come to the conclusion, and it is not earth shattering by any means, that real friends are just hard to find. I have lost several in the last year. And by lost I don't mean to death. I think that would be easier. To know that they are no longer in your life because they are no longer here. In fact, I don't mean lost at all. I mean that I have come to realize that they (and some of them I have considered "friends" for years) are not and haven't really ever been my friend. They have liked me, hung out with me, called me, shared things with me but it was all very temporary and usually all done at their convenience or my insistence. So basically not friends at all. I have two friends that I worked with who went on to bigger and better things and we still stay in touch, email on occasion, and face book. When we talk, it is like no time has gone by and if I ever need either one of them they will be there. Those are friends. Others who live right here in town and are in contact with me just sort of interact with me if time allows it or they are in the mood for it which by the way they usually aren't. I am sad about it because the people who fall into this category I have really truly loved and cared for. It is not easy to admit that perhaps they don't feel the same way for whatever reason. And because "friends" have always been an integral part of my life and who I am, I am sad about this. It is time to move beyond these people and quit trying to make them into something that they are just never going to be.
Second, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how frustrating and even infuriating it is at times, I need to be thankful for my job. I mean there are many people out there with no job. And for the most part I get to do something that I believe GOD created me to do and that is teach. Yes students are different and the administration, well I will just leave that alone, but I have employment and it helps pay the bills and put food on my table. So I am going to quit griping about it. I am going to, instead, try to be grateful. AND I am going to retire as soon as I hit the mark. It is not in my nature to "back down" from a fight when I see things that I know in my heart to be wrong but in the long run I don't see it making any difference (except to maybe make ME feel better) so I am going to just do my job and wait my time.
Third, I seem to be in a season of loss. Loss of my mom, my friends, joy in my work, and the ability to handle disappointments. But the seasons change and perhaps so have I. Perhaps it is not a bad thing. Perhaps these things that are making me sad NEED to go. The song says it best "seasons change and so did I, you need not wonder why."

Getting My Laughter Back

As most of you know, my mom passed away recently and even though she was 89, for us, and I believe for her, it was really and truly totally unexpected. For the 11 days leading up to her death and for the 5 weeks now since..I seem to have lost my laughter. I am a "laugher" (is that even a word?) by nature because I am basically immature and laugh at just about any and every thing. I also crack myself up quite often so laughing is something that is a constant with me. My mom loved my laugh/smile more than anything else about me and I am sure she would not be happy about the fact that I seem to have misplaced it. I mean I have laughed some since July 25th but not much of it has been that deep belly hysterical laughter that is such a staple in my life. Don't misunderstand....I am not walking around with a cloud over my head and I still manage to be witty and sarcastic but let's be real...that only brings laughter to others...and I of course am all about entertaining my friends!! But I need a good hard long belly laugh to "restart" that part of me that seems so sad now. So send me corny jokes, fart when you are with me, (told you I was immature) or say something like "wiener" when you mean hot dog and maybe we can get me back on track. Any and all help would be greatly appreciated :0)

Time...Slippin' Through My Fingers

Just look at her. Go ahead, take a good long look. Is she not the cutest thing EVER? Twenty years ago almost to the minute that I am writing this Dr. Herbert held this little girl in front of my face and said "here you go, it's a Katie Rae". I remember saying "she's not very cute" and his reply was "yeah well she doesn't think too much of you either". Okay let me clarify. I had just undergone a C-section, had a little difficulty, and was somewhat medicated and Dr. Herbert her pediatrician was already in love with her. Still is to this day as a matter of fact. As is EVERYONE who comes in contact with her. She is fun, reliable, dependable, extremely independent, stubborn, opinionated, sympathetic, witty, talented, and yes at times mean. I am proud of her. I love her so much and now today as I write this she is no longer a teen. And as the song goes "I look at her and see time slippin' through my fingers." Where did it all go and how did this little girl grow up overnight? She will be moving into her "own" place two weeks from Thursday. She has her life mapped out and is taking the steps needed to reach her destination. When I was twenty I didn't know if I was washing or hanging out most of the time. But not Katie Rae. Determined is the word that describes her best. My heart is a little heavy today as I realize that even though she will ALWAYS be our "little girl", she is not a little girl anymore. Happy Birthday Miss Katie, may today and everyday be everything you hoped for.

Shelton Memorial Vet Clinic AND Animal Shelter

Remember the goat George saved running down the road at rodeo? Or the sick frozen cat that I wrapped up in my mom's FAMILY blanket for it to ride to the pound in comfort as they most likely put it to sleep after I had TRIED to feed and care for it for a week? Or the dog down the street that is German Shepherd size that the owners have chained out in the yard with a Chihuahua sized dog house that George went and gave them a big one and they finally UNCHAINED the animal and built it an enclosure. OR the TWO dogs next door that I feed, water (even bought them a self water dish) and gave them a dog house because their owners don't even know they exist? AND last week I discovered they (my non-dogs) had ticks so I went to the SPCA free give away and doctored them AND got them flea collars........well all of that to say this. Saturday as I am limping around with a "slight" case of food poisoning (and by that I mean enough to make me feel HORRIBLE) I went to check the mail and saw two white guineas eating in my neighbors flower bed. There was a garage sale across the street and I asked it they belonged to anyone over there and of course the answer was no. I went and got George as our cat decided she was in for a HUGE buffet and we began to try and "corral" them. we got them into our back yard and George caught one and gave it to me as it proceeded to bite the crap out of me I THREW it into a dog kennel we had and locked the door. Well Petey was out side and he was going berserk so I am running around trying to get him all the while wishing I could vomit. Well the second one flew into the pool and with George screaming at me to "get it" I grabbed it, as it threw water all over me, bit me HARD and then shat (yes that is the correct verb) it shat all over me and I dropped it and my husband in his infinite wisdom said "why in the hell did you let it go?" I am considering an attorney at this point. Anyway, we caught it finally and delivered them (the smell in my Tahoe was terrible) to my brother and sister in laws' in Christoval who have guineas along with EVERYTHING else. So I asked George "we weren't the ONLY people who SAW these birds. What does everyone else do?" He said, "they look they other way or they just don't care." So, I am going to put one of those big red crosses on my roof since I seem to be the way station for EVERY animal in trouble within a one hundred mile radius. Good news is.........birds are happy......and so am I for saving them. They wouldn't have lasted the night.

WHAT HAPPENED??!

What happened? I mean seriously...what happened? Katie moved to ASU into a dorm, then to Lubbock into a dorm and then wanted to move into an apartment in August and NOT come home this summer. THEN no apartment, but a house and quite possibly A HOUSE BY HERSELF.......NO ROOMMATES...NO ONE BUT HER!!! And now NOT in August but IN JUNE!! What is happening??? So now we are looking at ANOTHER deposit, furniture AND her tuition and books for summer school and instead of having three months to get ready we have ONE!! Let me say again... What happened??? And then last night she informed me that she had found a person there that sells Mary Kay so she is going to buy some which has always been what I did for her with my person here. Don't get me wrong I don't want to buy her make-up but it just felt like ONE MORE THING!!! What happened? I'll tell you what I think...........she just GREW UP OVERNIGHT. Wants to be independent and live truly on her own... I am okay with that I guess but it is just SO SUDDEN. Makes me wonder what happened? Is that how it works for everyone? Did my mom wake up one day and say "what happened?" Does everyone?? I mean is that how it happens........I am truly overwhelmed..........a house AND make-up!!

Sergio

I believe that God made me a teacher. That is the talent that I have and I am not being arrogant when I say I am quite good at it. I give God the glory because I do it through Him giving me the ability. Contrary to popular belief, not EVERYONE or ANYONE can teach. But I digress.
I treat students the way I want to be treated and try to teach them history but more than that I try to teach them to be informed, responsible, and productive citizens upon their graduation or GED or whatever. They don't all finish but I STILL try to teach them how to survive and be an asset to their community as adults. To teach them to try to be all that they can.

Which brings me to Sergio. I got a letter today at school from the jail. It was from Sergio, a former student of mine. He is at least 22, maybe older. He was a hardcore gangster but I always loved him and saw his potential. He had a great personality and was smart. The letter started out with how I had always treated him with respect and had never judged him. He went on to say that I had made a difference in his life and that he knew I would be disappointed in him. He then proceeded to tell me he had been sentenced to five years and only had to serve 2 years and six months. But he had credit for five months served so it wouldn't be so bad. I am liking this letter up to this point. THEN he wrote that family and friends could write a "letter" that he would be okay on the "outside" and he might could get out earlier. And would I mind doing that? Okay..........with ALL OF THAT SAID...Sergio is in jail for TWO COUNTS of AGGRAVATED ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON. Seriously???

So I AM writing a letter. But NOT to the parole board!! I am writing to Sergio to say that this isn't jaywalking or "whoops my bad I took some gum from Town and Country'. That this is a serious offense and regardless of the circumstance he has been found guilty by a jury of his peers. And I will reiterate what I do in class all the time...talk to him about life lessons, and choices and that he made a bad one for which he will have to pay. What was he thinking? Not only in committing this crime but in thinking that I would try to help him bypass the system. You win some...you lose some........he lost and evidently so did I in trying to reach this young man........the road keeps getting harder and harder it seems...........for all of us!!

Jumprope

I fancy myself a runner. I am a member of a running club. I participate in community runs monthly and my niece and I run twice a week 5 miles both days. I also fancy myself to be somewhat physically fit. I don't smoke (been quit 20 or more years) and I don't drink AT ALL. I am a lifetime member of weight watchers and though I do not weigh what I would like, I am not overweight. Well just a FEW pounds. So...yes.... I consider myself not only healthy but heart healthy and a small time athlete. Yes I do. Or should I say I DID??? Since I hurt myself and had to lay off running for two weeks I was surprised at how much my cardio had diminished . My niece plays in a tennis league twice a week so not to be "outdone" I decided to do something "else" also on the days we don't run. I am, after all, very competitive. I mean I am an athlete!! And I decided that I would jump rope. I remember telling Christi what an expert I was in jumping rope when I was in ELEMENTARY school. And how I could jump forever so it would be no biggie and it was good for you. First clue as to what I was getting myself into should have been when the ropes weren't located in "toys" but in "sporting goods". Add to that the fact that there were MANY kinds from which to choose. They even had one with weighted handles which I scooped right up. Did I mention my expertise at jumping the rope? And that I am an athlete? So I decide that I was going to START with thirty minutes. After all, I run for a little under an hour twice a week so seriously??? How hard can this be?? My niece (who wants to see me live to be older than I am currently) said you should just start at ten minutes. As you can see, she is skeptical of my athletic abilities. So, on Sunday I grabbed the rope and nonchalantly told my husband "I'm going to put some music on and jump rope in here for thirty minutes or so and then am going to take a shower." REALLY!! Just as casual as that!!! So I put on some pretty rhythmic music and started to jump. About THIRTY SECONDS LATER when I was FOR SURE I was having a minor cardio infarction (and yeah, its infarction not infraction, who knew?) I threw the rope down and went and got a drink of water. I thought to myself this cannot be right so I tried again. After ANOTHER thirty seconds or so, I went outside and had George feel my heart, which was not necessary, as you could SEE it POUNDING in my chest THROUGH MY SHIRT. What is going on? So I tried again (two more times with a break in between). When the whole horrible ordeal was over I figured all total I had jumped rope for about TWO MINUTES!! Well, I drug my athletic body to take a shower and then my shin splints, calves, thighs and glutes all began to ache, not to mention the headache that was starting to develop right behind my eyes!!!

So I have not jumped rope since. It lays there on the table mocking me. So, today I will run and BOOST my ego about my athletic abilities and TOMORROW I will face the rope and in time, grasshopper, I will MASTER THE ROPE. Who would have thought that jump roping was such a hardcore exercise? I know that boxers do it and now I know why. After doing it Sunday I FELT LIKE HITTING SOMEONE ALSO!!!

Does Anybody Stay In One Place Anymore?

I never had any desire EVER to NOT live in San Angelo. I think probably because I got married right out of high school (almost) and divorced right after that. (yeah bad judgement) But I also think it was because my mom was here and I wanted to be where she was. She was strict when we were growing up but we were still close. Sure I hated her like all teenage girls do (right?) but that was just part of growing up. I could depend on my mom. And my family also. We were small but close. So I never lived anywhere but here. Never really went anywhere and was perfectly happy. A large number of people I graduated with no longer live here either. They have for the most part stayed in Texas but a few have ventured out of state. As I look at kids that I taught years ago, most of them aren't here anymore either. They live in cities and in other states. And Katie has NO DESIRE to live in San Angelo. In fact, I think some of the appeal of going to Tech is that it wasn't IN San Angelo. She gets homesick but it is for her dad and I, not for San Angelo. So, I wonder.........what made them/makes them want to leave? Is it their jobs? Is it opportunity? More money? Military? Spouses? And while all of that makes sense to me what about their families? I guess I was just surprised that so many people from different generations left their "hometown". And many haven't been back. All of my brothers but one left as well. It will be weird not having Katie in the same town. But all of our other kids left also except for one. And none of them ever seem to miss being here. The more I write this the more I realize that no one stays in one place anymore. Except for me. Not sure how I feel about that........

FACEBOOK

Wow I have been on face book for almost two weeks now and have learned A LOT about people. And I don't mean that like it sounds. First, let me put a disclaimer...........I like face book... ALOT!!
I have reconnected with people that I went to high school with that I haven't talked to in literally 20 years or more. I have reconnected with former students who made my early teaching days the BEST of my career. And I have gotten to SHARE my family and the things I have done with people who used to be an every day part of my life. It is a good thing. HOWEVER, yes dear reader you knew this was coming, it is NOT a good thing for people who don't realize what it is and what it is for. For instance, there are people who post every single detail, emotion, and activity of their day...all day...every minute.........oh my gosh and then there are those who make "mystery" posts..........just a sigh or a smiley face or a sad face so that people will ask and ask and ask what is wrong. I mean clearly face book is a narcissists DREAM!!! And the enablers like it a lot too I imagine....And the whole friend request thing?? I have people who barely know me or barely knew me or didn't even LIKE me that now want to be friends with me! I know that "didn't even like me" sort of made you pause, right? trying to imagine that? but alas it is true. And once they ask to be your friend they have NO CONTACT with you whatsoever?? I have a "friend" on FB that I have known since elementary school and I have messaged her, chatted her and commented her and she has yet to respond ONE TIME. I believe that I am just part of her "how many friends can I have on face book quest". But all in all, the good outweighs the bad. It is those drama-filled, needy, insecure people that make it sort of a bummer and I have decided to delete them and I am pretty sure they won't even notice. But as I said, for the most part, it is cool and I am a little "addicted" but feel sure that will pass in time. And if I become an obsessed FB fan who bores you with EVERY piece of minutia of my life feel free to comment and tell me to "get a grip". And I will be grateful.................OR I will delete you :o)

What's the Deal with Young Women Today?

Man we just never grow up do we? And I think this applies to women more than men. It just seems like so many YOUNG women today and by that I mean late 20's, early to mid-30's, married WITH children are CONSUMED with drama. Everything that happens to them is the absolute WORST and they want to talk and talk and talk about it. And make sure everyone knows. I don't know that it is a sign of immaturity so much as perhaps flat out narcissism. It is all about ME!!! I have a sick child..poor ME! My husband lost his job...poor ME! I have too much to do (that I VOLUNTEERED for) poor ME!! It is this " look at me! look at me!"phenomenon that has me puzzled. Is that what my daughter is going to aspire to when she becomes a young wife and mother? I know that in high school you are SUPPOSED to think it is all about you. But as an adult with responsibilities? And most of their peers enable this by commiserating with them and encouraging their drama and offering their most profound sympathy so that when it is THEIR turn the "victim" will do the same for them. I just see such a different mindset in women today. I know of young women who think the definition of being a STRONG woman today means simply that she is a BITCH!! And let me tell you there is no strength in that. Today we are whiny, needy, insecure, individuals who want the world to know about EVERY DETAIL of our lives. Or we are hateful, demanding, and disloyal. I think of my mom, part of what history calls the "great generation" and her quiet strength and ability to stand up for her and her beliefs and her ability to stand quietly by and let someone make a fool of themselves instead of always having to be "right". I think of her refusing to "air her dirty laundry" and to keep "private" matters just that. I hope she instilled some of that in me. I am far from being the woman my mom is but as I age I see changes in me that are definitely for the better. But when I was a "young woman/mom/housewife" I was most certainly not what I see today. If for no other reason than my mom taught me better. I hope I passed that on to my daughter. And if not, I plan on starting. Perhaps I am just too old to have YOUNG friends?

Into the Wind at 53

Yesterday was my birthday. It was also Thursday which is the day we run. Earlier in the week, on our Tuesday run, I barely made it. Weather was beautiful, low humidity, NO wind. But I finished 4 minutes behind my niece when we usually finish within a minute of each other if that. When she passed me on the way back with a look of concern on her face I shrugged and shouted that I didn't know what my problem was or why I was so slow. By the time I made the turnaround and came back I felt like my legs weighed as much as Apollo Ono's (without the strength) and that I was having a pretty good asthma attack (and I don't have asthma!). That night I self-diagnosed myself with the onset of bronchitis. BUT I didn't want to go to the doctor because they would tell me (like they did last time) NO running for 7-10 days. WELL that is not a possibility as this Saturday is the last run in a SERIES of three. And if you run ALL THREE you receive the shirt that says you have completed the trail run. I have completed one that was in the rain (the entire race) and the other that went straight up the mountain out at the spillway and yes if you are running along with 60 or more people up a rocky incline that is only about 2 feet wide IT IS A MOUNTAIN!!! So there is NO WAY I am not going to FINISH and that is what a doctor's visit would amount to. Well I felt better the next day and not so bad Thursday. BUT, as we were running yesterday afternoon, I felt that old familiar leaden feeling settling in and breathing was a problem. NOT TO MENTION that yesterday the winds were out of the south (which is the direction we run for the first 2.5 miles) at TWENTY MILES an hour. I freaking hate the wind sick or well. But as I decided that I COULDN'T do the full run, I realized that I had turned 53 that day and being out on the road AT ALL was huge and that I needed to finish if for no other reason than it was my birthday. And the best gift I could give myself was to finish the course. And I did. Not as slow as the previous run but not as fast as normal either. Sort of in between. Which is where I feel like I am right now in my life. In between. Not old but certainly not young. And every day I feel as though I am pushing into the wind. But if I learned anything yesterday, it was that no matter how hard the wind of your life is blowing, if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and your eye on the finish line, you can do it. I did!!!

Odors of the Evening

When we were younger we were ALWAYS outside. No matter the time of day, we played. As we got older and were in junior high and high school we were still outside just not playing. Usually sitting in or on our parents cars (not everyone got a car when they got a drivers license) or on the front porch or sometimes out on the curb and just talking. Almost every day, every evening. And as we sat there we could smell the scent of supper in the air. If someone was frying chicken (yeah back then it was NEVER bought) or someone was grilling something, we would sit there and smell and would pretty much know what everyone in the area was eating that night. The aroma was heavenly and prevalent throughout the neighborhood since everyone had screen doors and central heating and air conditioning were unheard of (except for the very "rich"). To this day if I am outside at "evening" time, I will sniff the air and think, "they're barbecuing, or they are frying something, or on a cold day - they have their fireplace lit." It just makes me remember a time when life was simpler, doors were open, kids were outside playing, and mom's were in the kitchen cooking supper that we were all going to eat TOGETHER around the table as we talked about our day. Of course the neighborhoods are not full of evening aromas anymore like they used to be. People stay in their homes with their doors shut, they buy take out or don't eat at home, or mom cooks but everyone eats at different times. But when I catch a whiff of someones supper, it takes me back to those evenings, sitting outside, waiting to be called in to "wash your hands" and sit down to a meal that I had been smelling and anticipating all day. Mom's home cooked meals.....they were a staple of my childhood.....they were delicious........and I miss them.

TOP TEN PEOPLE "TYPES" THAT I PERSONALLY HAVE NO USE FOR

These aren't people who do these things occasionally because we are all probably guilty but these are the people who this is WHO THEY ARE ALL THE TIME!!! In order of most irritating with ten being the least and one being the worst. These are my top ten most irritating people:
10. "close talkers" - (the ones who get RIGHT in your face and no matter how much you back up they continue to lean in)
9. "screamers" aka "loud talkers" (and yes I tend to be loud sometimes but ones who have NO VOLUME control whatsoever)
8. "one-uppers" - no matter what you have done or has happened to you they have done it also or had it happen to them and always bigger or better (even if what has happened to you is bad)
7. "know it alls" - yep, no matter what the subject they know all about it or if it is a person they know them or worse are related (seven times removed)
6. "mature" people- not wise or aged but think they are mature because they have no sense of humor
5. "scaredy cats" - talk a big talk (in private) but won't stand up for others or even themselves
4. "whiners" - constant blather about how "it's not fair"/ "how come so and so doesn't have to/or gets to" (cry babies if you will)
3. "needy" - need to be constantly reassured about EVERYTHING from am I doing okay to are you okay to are we okay? (also known as could you please make me feel good about myself every day all the time)
2. "perfect parents of perfect children" - my child is NEVER wrong (even though they are called into the office EVERY DAY or SET FIRE to something)
AND THE NUMBER ONE "TYPE" THAT I HAVE NO USE FOR?
The one that read this and fits ONE or MORE of the first nine and WILL NOT SEE THEMSELVES!!!