I Had No Idea!!

The most common thing I hear these days about losing George is "I had no idea he was even sick". Believe it or not, that makes me happy. Sort of. You see on January the 22nd, after a 1:00 in the morning  rush to ER for what we thought was a heart attack, we had no idea it would be so much more.  After finding out it was pneumonia, being up all night, and getting George admitted into the hospital, we heard the dreaded word CANCER..we had no idea.
George was adamant that we only tell family and a few close friends that we knew would join us in prayer and be there if we needed them.  Some family members chose to put it on social media which was very hurtful to us both but for the most part we were able to keep it quiet.  He wanted to work and wanted me to work and felt strongly that if people knew he was sick they wouldn't use me and for sure wouldn't use him. But we BOTH managed to work up until August and that is the month he died. Few had any idea.
In fact, I cannot tell you the people who through either my FB page, cards they sent, or at the visitation, or the services, came up to me and said "I had NO idea."
It made me smile.  I wanted George to know that we did it.  That we didn't become "something to talk about" or "people to feel sorry for" which were his greatest fears.
Seven months to the day, from the day we found out, on August 22nd, we laid him to rest. We had no idea it would be so soon.
The day I made "arrangements" I had no idea he would be gone that day.
While he was sick and after he died I realized that I had no idea about a lot of things.  No idea of the love that people  had for us, of the amazing support and prayer that would last after he was gone.  No idea that people would come on short notice and pack the church for the service and swamp the funeral home the night before.  No idea that people would reach out to me in ALL kinds of ways because they loved us.  BOTH of us.  No idea people would STILL be checking on me and Katie and yes even our dog Petey weeks and months later.  Our vet called two weeks after the service to make sure me AND the dog were okay.
I had no idea that when a friend and I were leaving Western Sky that the owner would stop what he was doing (even though it was roping fiesta weekend and packed) and take me aside and tell me how much HE missed George and was I okay.
I had no idea of the generosity of acquaintances and people who just "knew" us.  
I had no idea that at the cemetery a young man would come up to me with tears streaming down his face because while he was going through a divorce George showed up at his work one day to just "check on him" and tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay.
I had no idea that some people would take George's death and try to use it to their advantage by saying that I wasn't going to be coming back to work to a potential client.  (and by the way, I AM working and HAVE been with the exception of the few weeks after he passed)
I had no idea that people would judge my actions, my grief, and just about everything imaginable.
I had no idea that my friends were so fierce. 
I had no idea how strong I am even when I can hear my heart breaking.
I had no idea how much people cared.
I had no idea that people George and I would have least expected to step up did so and in big ways.
I had no idea how stupid some people can be when someone dies.
I had no idea how much his death would change me.  In good and bad ways.
I had no idea that when I went to the chemo lab/dr. office  for the first time that the people there would not only call me by name but come to me and smile and hug me and tell me how much they had been thinking of me.
I had no idea that when I told him it was ok, that I would be fine, that I would be. Most days.
I knew we had a great marriage and tremendous love and respect for each other. But I had no idea that our friends and loved ones knew it.
I had no idea that while I was putting one foot in front of the other every day , with great difficulty, for him that he was doing the exact same thing,with greater difficulty, for me.
So while many of you had "no idea" of what we were dealing with (which is how he wanted it) we had no idea how all of this would impact so many people.
I always knew he was a good, kind, humble and loving man.  I just had no idea that so many others knew it as well.
Just sayin.