9/11/01

God Bless America..........May we never forget the events of that day.

It Happened So Fast!!

After four days of class and two days of work, I have discovered that Katie will never truly be home again. To visit, yes, to live....no. Just like that. Gone two weeks and BAM......she's really gone. I am quite without words (truly) and rather taken aback. I mean, it happened so fast. She called me Tuesday to say that her job wanted her to work in between semesters when I just assumed she would be home for a month. Of course, it is a REAL job and I guess they wouldn't let their employees, especially part-time ones have a 4 week vacation after being on the job three months. Sounds rather unreasonable to me. Don't they know that her momma had plans for those weeks? BUT, she is getting to be home for Christmas and New Years (which New Years' eve is her daddy's birthday). I should be grateful right? Yeah, well not so much. She then informs me that they will also be expecting her to work through the summer and that she doesn't want to lose this job so she will have to figure out where she is going to live and how that is all going to work out. Did I say that she had only been TWO DAYS ON THE JOB and FOUR DAYS IN COLLEGE????? MY plan was that she would be here ALL SUMMER and live at home and take classes at ASU? Well that wasn't going to work either evidently. Because she THEN informs me that in order to minor in Spanish and really really learn the language, she needs to STUDY ABROAD this summer, which will involve her GOING TO SPAIN FOR THREE WEEKS. And get this, her JOB will work around that because it is part of her education. Evidently they don't work around MOMS!!! Bitter, party of one please! Well when I get over the fact that she actually said SPAIN, I inform her that I can't afford to freaking send her across the ocean. Her response? She has already checked into it. It is quite affordable (and sad to say, she's right, it is). So......she didn't just leave the nest. In two weeks, she has ripped it out of the tree, scattered it to the wind, chopped the tree down and used it for firewood. I know that this is what I raised her for and I should be proud but it happened TOO fast. All I heard in ALL OF THIS NEWS she so excitedly called to tell me is that she is not coming home. She'll come for visits but she won't be BACK here like I had anticipated ever or at least anytime soon. I am proud of her........ she is growing up, making decisions, and mapping out her life all on her own. She is reconnecting with her faith and making good friends and wise choices. She is doing everything right (so far) and I love her more than ever. She is going to be just fine, but as for her daddy and I......it's a crapshoot. I sit her tonight, loving and missing her, yet being so proud. And through it all, since the phone call, the one constant that my mind keeps coming back to is........it happened so fast.

Empty Nest Part Two

When Katie moved into the dorm at ASU this time last year, her daddy and I (her daddy especially) mourned her leaving pretty heavy. And for the first two weeks she was gone she didn't come home (hello?we live right across town) or call AT ALL. It was very hard. But as time progressed she started coming around more. Granted it was for free meals and laundry but still. During her year "away" from home she blossomed and grew into an independent and responsible young adult. Did well in school, worked, and PAID her way. Didn't ask us for money and took care of business. So this past weekend when we moved her to Texas Tech, we all felt that she was ready and so were we. WRONG!!! I noticed that the last four days here she stayed home EVERY night and just hung out with her father and I. Okay, she hasn't CHOSEN to hang out with us since she was 16. When we got up AT FIVE Sunday morning to head to Lubbock, we were all on board and things were fine except for the baggy eyes and stifled yawns. When we got to the dorm, her dad and I MOVED her in while she stayed in the room doing I don't know what. I remember thinking, "we are paying her tuition AND we have to haul all her crap?" And from the parking lot to her second story dorm room was at least 200 yards. By the fourth trip, I thought George was going into minor cardio arrythmia and I was on my 2nd or 3rd mini-stroke. We had a little "drama" ONCE when her daddy got on to her for her bad/demanding attitude. (Imagine that) So, at that point she quit speaking to him. And of course there are other roommates with their parents who are trying to move in as we have a domestic squabble in her room. It was delightful. After about 2 1/2 hours, she was, for the most part, moved in and we went to eat lunch. She took us to Spanky's and we all just sort of sat and enjoyed a good hamburger and a nice view. We sat by the window upstairs. THEN it was time to take her "home" (that just doesn't sound right to me), say goodbye and get on the road. We were all fine. Seriously. When I got out of the car to hug her and tell her goodbye.........I completely fell apart. It was like a death wail. I was so horrified but the tears kept flowing and the sobs kept coming. In fact, when a mom walked by and saw me hugging Katie and crying..SHE started crying so I pretty much contributed to her falling apart. And of course, George started to cry and then Katie teared up. It was AWFUL!!! She looked so small walking back to that dorm by herself. She is ill and hadn't gotten her meds yet and she didn't have a job and it was just so BIG and uncertain. I drove us out and was sobbing so that I took us home through Post instead of Lamesa. I sobbed for about 15 minutes, cried for another 15 or twenty, and then whimpered occasionally all the way home. BUT two days later she had her meds and started taking them AND SHE GOT A JOB. NOT JUST ANY JOB BUT A "CUSHY" ONE!!! In a law firm (not bad for a pre-law student) working 4 afternoons a week, off at five, no nights or weekends. Perfect for her health AND her schedule. God is so good to us. And she calls us every day, sometimes more than ONCE and emails and texts her momma regularly. So I think of all the emotions as she has left us TWICE, I now think of all the opportunities that lay ahead for her. And though I am torn between missing her and being so proud for her, I say to myself, fly high little bird, spread your wings and soar, and if you need it, the nest will always be here.

God As A Big Black Woman?

My sister-in-law gave me a copy of this book. When I began reading it, I was really into the story UNTIL (watch out spoiler alert) God was portrayed as a big black woman. I couldn't get past it for a day or two but as I continued to get into the story, that no longer seemed to matter. The book was extremely profound and very well written. The author never intended the book to be published. He wrote it for his children to try to explain why bad things happen to those who love the Lord. At some point in their lives, a very "bad" thing happened to him and his family. I do not know what it was. In the book, it is the murder of his 6-year old child. Whether or not this is the REAL event is irrelevant. He uses the book to explain the Trinity and the wonderment of the relationship between the three. Will you understand the Trinity after reading the book? No. Is his representation intended to be factual? No. But it did impact my life in a HUGE way. And the PRINCIPLES in the book are very much reflected in the Bible. In fact, there were MANY places where I had to go back and re-read what "God" was saying. It made me feel good and this non-fiction fictional tale left me wanting to be better. Made me want people to see Christ IN me and THROUGH me in a way that NO SERMON ever has. After reading the book, I did some research on it and found that many religious "experts" (what is that by the way?) profane the book for all sorts of "personal" reasons one of which is that God is portrayed as female. But, He is referred to as Papa, which is male the last time I checked. The book is ripe with symbolism and I believe that most "critics" don't understand what an allegory is. Of course they are only EXPERTS in that which offends them. TYPICAL RELIGION. This author is writing out of pain and suffering and a desire to understand God and how He could stand by while bad things happen to his children. Another thing to keep in mind is...he never intended for anyone but his children to read it. And when it just took off he had no control over the impact it had anymore than I believe he had over the story that his heart and perhaps the Lord told him to write. It is a good read. It has Biblical truths in it and gives the reader a sense of peace about that which we cannot comprehend. I am glad that I read it and yeah, God as a big black woman was hard to get past.........AT FIRST. But as I read the WORDS, the author's vehicle for presenting them no longer seemed important. So, this blog is part of my contribution to "The Missy Project". To find out what that is, you will have to read the book. I could pass the book along which is also part of the project, like my sister-in-law did, but I plan on keeping it and re-reading the parts that changed me. Especially with school fast approaching and life seeming so unfair at times. I plan on spending a few days of my own at THE SHACK.

"When people show you who they are

believe them." This is a quote from the famous poet Maya Angelou. I heard her say this YEARS ago, I believe on Oprah (yeah back when I watched her like 20 years ago). Ms. Angelou had been "discovered" by Oprah as this brilliant African American poet whom, unbeknownst to Oprah, had been around a LONG while and everyone BUT Oprah knew of her. I digress. Anyway, Angelou had said that the key to "getting along" in life without so many disappointments and betrayals and the key to having good healthy relationships with others was to believe people when they show you who they are. But, instead, for whatever reason, we tend to excuse bad behavior or disappointment in the people we care about and attach all kinds of excuses to their behavior. Okay, I am not talking about a one time blow up or freak out or something "out of the ordinary." Lord knows we have all been there, done that. But I am talking about when people do hateful, sneaky, manipulative, cheating, scheming, lying, underhanded (the list goes on and on) things. Or people who attack you or lash out at you every time you have an opinion different from theirs, or try to "punish" you for your feelings. And yeah, I can name at least THREE people close to me who come to mind IMMEDIATELY. What does that say about my ability to judge character? AT some point, you have to just say, "okay, so you are NOT a nice person." Or, "okay, you and I ARE NOT on the same page when it comes to how we are going to live our lives" or "we do NOT have the same values when it comes to friendship, honesty, integrity, and professionalism" and move on. Two years ago, I gave someone the benefit of the doubt even though they just kept "showing me" who they were. This week, they LEFT NO DOUBT!!! They are NOT a NICE PERSON. They are likable enough. Even friendly and occasionally humorous but they CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING. And if they are that way with others they will MOST CERTAINLY be that way with me. In fact, they have been that way with me and I have "excused" it out of wanting to "give the benefit of the doubt." How stupid is that? If they keep on doing the same things to you and the people you care about then WAKE UP.........this is WHO THEY ARE!!!!!!! This person is someone whom I will see often but it doesn't mean that I have to let myself be sucked in anymore. It is time for me to BELIEVE, no matter how disappointing, WHO THEY ARE!!! I guess the redneck version of Ms. Angelou's quote is "actions speak louder than words." But yet we tend to go with the words that people say. Maybe because it is easier. Maybe because we don't want to truly see people for who and what they are. It just seems that this summer has been a series of disappointments for me when it comes to relationships (both male and female). And now school is starting soon and I have to face it head on. I am not looking forward to it. I am angry and sad. And not so much at the people who have "shown themselves" to me, but at myself for NOT BELIEVING that is who they are. For constantly making excuses for bad behavior when I have NO DOUBT that when I behave badly, they are NOT making excuses for me. I hope that I don't behave badly often enough that excuses have to be made. I hope that when I "act up" or hurt or disappoint someone that is that "rare occasion" where there is something else going on and that it is NOT who I am. I have always said what I thought the MINUTE I thought it. (and it hasn't always worked to my advantage or been a good thing I might add) But I am trying to do and be better. To temper my feelings and opinions so as NOT to hurt people. But at least with my friends and I guess even my enemies, you KNOW WHO I AM. Wish it were that way with everyone. Be a lot less disappointment I think. So remember, in EACH and EVERY relationship, "when people show you who they are, believe them." I intend to.

Running With Buzzards

I am sure that you have heard the expression "soaring with eagles", or "on the wings of eagles." Well, I had a different experience this weekend. I ran in the Stop, Drop and Roll Five Mile Run benefitting the East Concho Volunteer Fire Department. It has been two months since I have attempted a five miler. I ran one in March and did well (it's all perspective, but my time was decent even though it was WAY behind everyone else) and then had injuries and a little surgical procedure and wasn't able to run for three weeks. I was really looking forward to the state race in May (another five miles)and even though I wasn't physically or mentally prepared I showed up. That is about all I did. Finished with an abysmal time and people watching me run thought I was having some kind of stroke or other fatal ailment. A friend of mine asked me the next day at church "are you okay, I was really getting worried about you yesterday. You looked like you were really struggling." Yeah, I get LOTS of encouragement at church. So, I was nervous Saturday about the run. When we got there the weather was great.......of course it was a little after seven IN THE MORNING. But by the time the race started an hour later it was already hot and EXTREMELY humid and we were running on pavement without ANY SHADE. I fought my feelings of anxiety and thought to myself "just finish." So off we went and I settled into a pretty good pace and decided to enjoy the run AND the countryside. I was last (though I never look back to see for sure) but felt pretty confident that no one was behind me. As I made the first three miles, I was feeling good. I have been running that distance for the last two weeks but felt a little anxiety about the last two. As I hit the three mile marker, I decided to focus on the "beauty" around me. I thought I saw two airplanes in the sky and thought to myself, "that is unusual, perhaps it is a training exercise." After all, we were out by Goodfellow. As I continued on, I noticed that the "planes" were getting lower. And about the same time, I realized that I was struggling physically and sweating profusely. As I looked up again, I realized with great horror that the planes closing in on me were not planes at all but good old West Texas Buzzards. I always thought they feasted on dead things only but evidently they have an eye for things that are "dying" or are in the "last stages of death." I am not sure which category that put me but I picked up the pace and outran those rascals. Finished the race upright, never walked, and shaved three minutes off of my time. I didn't win but I beat the buzzards!!!!

P.S. I WASN'T last and got third place for my age group............whoo hoo

I Lost A Friend Today

When you hear that statement you almost always assume that someone has passed away. Well when someone close to you is no longer a part of your life it feels like a death sometimes. I have always been blessed with many friends and quite a few GOOD, CLOSE, DEPENDABLE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME PASSES I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU friends. I lost one today. And they don't even know it. I think a great deal of responsibility comes with being someone's friend. Unlike being an acquaintance, whom you smile or wave at, or engage in small talk with, a FRIEND is someone much more. You can always be honest with them and they with you no matter how painful the subject is. You might not agree but you aree to disagree and the relationship continues. Friendship is a gift from God. Our Lord was the friendliest human on earth and extended His precious hand of friendship to people of both sexes, from every financial class, and from all walks of life. He knew how important it was. Man doesn't do well alone and for those who don't have spouses or families, God created friends to stand in the gap. I take my friendships very seriously. Today, I have decided to end one. It is not something that I did lightly nor is it something they will probably ever realize. Because you see, I was their friend and would KNOW right away if something was wrong or if they felt differently about me. But perhaps they were never really mine. They could just not continue to do the same thing over and over that they KNOW is hurtful to me if they were truly my friend. Or at least they would talk to me about it and try to make me understand. Or perhaps just say, even though we don't agree on this, I want you to know that I care about you and am sorry if you are upset. Instead...........NOTHING. So, today as the reality of our TRUE relationship settled in on me, I said out loud (because for me, that makes it seem more viable when you vocalize your feelings)"I am no longer so and so's friend." And I feel sad about it.........and they probably won't even notice. I lost a friend today........they did not. Because now I have to painfully admit that they were never as invested in me as I was in them. Therefore they were never a TRUE friend after all. And with that being the case I should not feel so sad. Sigh............