I Had No Idea!!

The most common thing I hear these days about losing George is "I had no idea he was even sick". Believe it or not, that makes me happy. Sort of. You see on January the 22nd, after a 1:00 in the morning  rush to ER for what we thought was a heart attack, we had no idea it would be so much more.  After finding out it was pneumonia, being up all night, and getting George admitted into the hospital, we heard the dreaded word CANCER..we had no idea.
George was adamant that we only tell family and a few close friends that we knew would join us in prayer and be there if we needed them.  Some family members chose to put it on social media which was very hurtful to us both but for the most part we were able to keep it quiet.  He wanted to work and wanted me to work and felt strongly that if people knew he was sick they wouldn't use me and for sure wouldn't use him. But we BOTH managed to work up until August and that is the month he died. Few had any idea.
In fact, I cannot tell you the people who through either my FB page, cards they sent, or at the visitation, or the services, came up to me and said "I had NO idea."
It made me smile.  I wanted George to know that we did it.  That we didn't become "something to talk about" or "people to feel sorry for" which were his greatest fears.
Seven months to the day, from the day we found out, on August 22nd, we laid him to rest. We had no idea it would be so soon.
The day I made "arrangements" I had no idea he would be gone that day.
While he was sick and after he died I realized that I had no idea about a lot of things.  No idea of the love that people  had for us, of the amazing support and prayer that would last after he was gone.  No idea that people would come on short notice and pack the church for the service and swamp the funeral home the night before.  No idea that people would reach out to me in ALL kinds of ways because they loved us.  BOTH of us.  No idea people would STILL be checking on me and Katie and yes even our dog Petey weeks and months later.  Our vet called two weeks after the service to make sure me AND the dog were okay.
I had no idea that when a friend and I were leaving Western Sky that the owner would stop what he was doing (even though it was roping fiesta weekend and packed) and take me aside and tell me how much HE missed George and was I okay.
I had no idea of the generosity of acquaintances and people who just "knew" us.  
I had no idea that at the cemetery a young man would come up to me with tears streaming down his face because while he was going through a divorce George showed up at his work one day to just "check on him" and tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay.
I had no idea that some people would take George's death and try to use it to their advantage by saying that I wasn't going to be coming back to work to a potential client.  (and by the way, I AM working and HAVE been with the exception of the few weeks after he passed)
I had no idea that people would judge my actions, my grief, and just about everything imaginable.
I had no idea that my friends were so fierce. 
I had no idea how strong I am even when I can hear my heart breaking.
I had no idea how much people cared.
I had no idea that people George and I would have least expected to step up did so and in big ways.
I had no idea how stupid some people can be when someone dies.
I had no idea how much his death would change me.  In good and bad ways.
I had no idea that when I went to the chemo lab/dr. office  for the first time that the people there would not only call me by name but come to me and smile and hug me and tell me how much they had been thinking of me.
I had no idea that when I told him it was ok, that I would be fine, that I would be. Most days.
I knew we had a great marriage and tremendous love and respect for each other. But I had no idea that our friends and loved ones knew it.
I had no idea that while I was putting one foot in front of the other every day , with great difficulty, for him that he was doing the exact same thing,with greater difficulty, for me.
So while many of you had "no idea" of what we were dealing with (which is how he wanted it) we had no idea how all of this would impact so many people.
I always knew he was a good, kind, humble and loving man.  I just had no idea that so many others knew it as well.
Just sayin.

Be Careful What You Say

People like to talk.  About anything and usually anyone.  I know.  I am a people.  But as I have gotten older and witnessed many tragedies and triumphs in people's lives I have realized that you have to be careful.  Everyone has a story and it is just that..........THEIR story.  Not yours.  Not for you to pass along, not for you to ponder about with someone else, and not for you to even really give your opinion.  Some things are personal and private yet those are the things we want to talk about the most.  Why is that?  So we can say we "know", or we "knew first", or perhaps by speaking them it somehow makes us a part of the story whether it be good or bad.  I have been guilty of telling people's story without permission.  I have been guilty of pondering about it with others.  I have been guilty.  And I am ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't realize that none of that was helping and many times was just making things worse.  I get that people care and they are concerned but even good intentions can do harm. 
We have had a rash of tragedies in our community in the past year and social media tends to fill up with people sounding the alarm.  A sort of FB Paul Revere if you will.  Did you hear?  Who knows what happened?  Or, worse, they put information out there that is totally unsubstantiated.  But these stories involve real people just like those that are putting it "out there."  Why? 
I remember an old song that said "silence is golden, but my eyes still see."  Just because you see it does that mean you are required to declare it?  I think not.
And if people choose to share their story and put it out there...that's different. But let THEM do it. Nothing is sacred anymore.  Everyone knows everything about everyone.
If someone has a trial or a triumph I think it is up to them as to whether they want it on social media. Or in other people's conversations or even on their lips for that matter.  And I know that everyone, myself included, gossip to some extent.  EVERYONE! Not easy to admit but it is the truth.  And to be concerned or to try to "help" a situation is not that.  But I am just amazed at the people that pride themselves on being "in the know" as if it somehow makes them better? I have changed my perspective on things in the last few months and I want to say I am sorry that I have ever told, speculated, or spread someone else's story.  And even though I never really felt like I was doing harm, it was wrong.  It's always wrong.  Hard to accept but that is the truth of the matter.  It's gossip no matter how you view it.
So, in the future, if you feel the need to tell a story that isn't yours...........think twice.......because some day it might be your story and how would you feel about someone else telling it?  Something to think about.  Just sayin.  

Fear Factor

I don't know about anyone else but I am a worrier.  I wasn't always.  In fact, I am not even sure when it happened but I am going to say at some point in adulthood.  Perhaps because when George and I started out I was really young (like REALLY) and he had four kiddoes and a failing business and what was I thinking?? Ok, I simply said that before you had a chance to.  What I was thinking was that I loved him and that with my "can do" attitude I could make this work and everything would be fine.  And for 37 years it has been.  For the most part.  But there were a lot of "scary" times for a young woman trying to raise kids that weren't hers, and helping salvage and restart a plumbing business, of which I knew nothing about, and maintaining the everyday necessities of life at the same time.  It was hard.  On all of us.  And I worried.  A lot.  Was I doing a good job with the business?  Was I doing right by his children?  How were we going to pay the bills?  And was this something I could and wanted to do?  The answer to all of that was yes.  I did the best I could at such a tender age and we made it through.  Shelton Plumbing is also 37 years old, the kids are alive and well, we paid the bills and even managed to accrue more bills and have a child of my own.  I went to college during all of this, started a career and retired from it and started a new one. I have seen friends and loved ones married and buried. And the things I was afraid of?  Don't seem scary at all anymore. And the things I never worried about? Are scary things indeed. Just sayin.

I'm Baaack!!

Wow! Haven't posted since January of 2011!! The times they have changed indeed.  I am now four years away from the death of my mom and though I still miss her, I am past that gut wrenching grief and focus now on the memories and the happiness that she brought to my life.  My daughter has graduated college, gone back for an alternative certification and is a 5th grade science teacher and doing well.  My husband had a heart attack that required two stents; but that is almost two years behind us and we have changed our lifestyle (some) and he is working and just as ornery as ever.  I finally retired from teaching and am entering my 4th full year in Real Estate and would have NEVER thought that I would love it and be as successful as I have been. People have come and gone, some for the best, others it was the absolute worst.
I am looking forward to 2015 (sort of) and you will be hearing from me on a regular basis.  I went back through and read almost ALL of my former posts and I miss that person.  Hoping she is still in here somewhere 4 years later and that she will have something to say!!! See you soon!!