Time Heals All Wounds

How many times have you heard or said that in your lifetime?  I have A LOT.  But to a certain degree it is a lie.  A few definitions of a "wound" are trauma, gash, laceration, or injury.  We are not talking about a scratch or a cut.  We are talking about an "injury".  And over time that injury heals usually leaving a scar and around it a sort of numbness.  It is never quite the same in appearance and in feeling. It heals but YOU know it is always there and YOU know what caused it.  Wherever it occurred that place is changed. Same thing with losing a loved one.  It leaves a scar and a numbness in a little piece of your heart and soul.  A year ago this Friday at 7:05 my husband passed from this earthly life into eternity.  And in the months following I was extremely busy dissolving Shelton Plumbing, trying to work, trying to cope, and trying to live.  A lot happened. Katie wrecked her car, my house was broken into ,there were family disappointments, and then there were the holidays.  I didn't even have time to heal or to even  try.  And to be honest I am pretty sure "healing" wasn't something that I even wanted at that point. Then the new year came, I moved offices, Katie got engaged and I looked up and saw that time was moving on.  I knew it would but I felt like I missed it.  Missed what?  I'm not sure. But there was an emptiness that I felt most days.  Most of 2015 was a year of "lasts" and we both knew that.  Last birthday, anniversary, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Katie and Blaine's birthday. Just a lot of life events we knew we were never going to experience together again.  2016 was supposed to be a year of "firsts".  First this or that without him.  But I didn't do that.  I didn't do a lot of "this time last year" because this time last year was hard and I didn't choose to relive it.  So now his death date is approaching.  A year.  I foolishly thought that if I could just hit that mark that things would be "better".  But I was lying to myself.  I have caught myself the last 4 days reliving "this time last year" and the wound feels fresh.  And I am dreading Friday.  Granted he will be just as gone then as he was a year ago but there's something about it that makes me so sad.  But with the grace of God there has been healing. I have gone on and I have done all I can to honor his life, our life, and our love. I have a good life and one that I think would please him.   But there's still a scar that no time can heal.  There is a numbness and a piece of me that will never be the same.  His death wounded me beyond what I ever thought I could bear.  But I have.  I am grateful for my family and friends and for my faith. I am grateful for God's grace and mercy to us during that last year and to me during this first year. I am blessed that in those last moments mine was the last name on his lips and my love for him were the last words on mine.  I cling to that. So time has helped and healed but there is and will always be a scar.  Just sayin'.

Morning musings

How are you?  I get that a lot these days.  Sometimes with that sad funeral voice.  Sometimes with care and concern and sometimes from a sense of obligation. I say okay but what I want to say is...Being a widow is hard.  Let me just say that again.  Being a widow is hard.  For most of your life you have been a couple.  A duo.  A combination.  I have spent all of my adult life being George and Joyce or Joyce and George.  Not a fan of being just Joyce.  She is not near as interesting or funny or happy as she was when she was part of George and Joyce.
I want to say  I am navigating waters that for me are deep and scary at times.  Sometimes the sea is calm but most often it is not.  I don't know what's out there but know that I have to just keep moving forward.  I have no choice.  I want to say throw me a life preserver.
I want to say I know who I was with him and I try to find her and be her now.  Strong, confident, and my mama's girl.  But I never knew that HE was what made me those things.  That I was the balloon that before you could get it tied it flits all around the room.  He was the balloon master.  He would grab it and either get the knot tied or let the air out a little at a time. 
I want to say I wish I could tell him thank you for that.  That I miss that the most.  That I could weather this if he were here to monitor the balloon.
I want to say while your life has gone on as it should this weeks marks 5 months since he died and was buried.  How am I?  Awful!! Not outwardly but inwardly I hurt, I miss him, I am sad, and I wonder if it will ever be different. And while I know it will be because people lose loved ones every day and have since the beginning of time and survived, I just wonder when that will happen.  And how will I feel when it does.  I don't want to forget, or get "used to' this but at the same time I am fairly certain that I can't function like this indefinitely.
I want to say I need someone to monitor my balloon.
I want say here's the thing..........2015 was a year of lasts. We knew that it was our last anniversary, birthdays, father's/mother's day, rodeo, Easter, spring, summer,even plumbing school.  It was the last year of us. But we just kept on because to not do so would have been to deny life.  Now enter 2016.  New year and with it most people feel like a new start.  All it feels like to me is a year of firsts.  First everything without him.  Hard to be excited and hopeful about that. 
I want to say that I am coping through  work (which is such a blessing), running (which helps a lot), praying (but not as fervently as I did), reading my Bible, and trying every day to be okay.  I know that is what he would want.  I know that is what I want.  But it is hard. I am not a crier.  I AM an emotional person (some might change that word to dramatic but they are my friends and are hateful).  I cry at movies, videos, music, books, puppies, etc.  You know, your normal stuff.  (That's all normal right?) But now I just cry over the weirdest things.  And when it comes, it comes with a force and usually in public places where you just have to give in and let go.  It's mortifying.  And there is no stopping it.  Not a fan of that either. 
So how am I?  Depends on the day, hour, moment.  I think for the most part I am doing okay but the last few weeks have been rough.  I think it was the new year and everyone talking about new beginnings.  I think because this is the anniversary week that he died and was buried. I think because we always had ONE anniversary and it was the day of our marriage.  Now that is gone and has been replaced by a new kind of anniversary.  One of loss.  One of "this time last year..." and for this year only.  How awful it will be when even that passes.
 I think about how next week marks a year that we heard that awful hateful word........cancer.  I think because in the last few months several people have died from cancer (some were famous but you feel like you "knew them' and some were close to me).  Seems like the cancer is winning.  Not a fan of that either.  I know that God is in control I just am not sure why He feels cancer is a necessary thing in this nasty world of ours.  Maybe that is why.  Because this world is so full of sin that what is one more thing?
So how am I you ask?  Surviving.  Trying to be happy or should I say content in a world that is so different than what I have ever known.  Can't remember a time that we weren't us. Determined to keep my head up and live which is what he would have wanted more than anything. Some days it's just harder than others.  Just sayin'.

I Had No Idea!!

The most common thing I hear these days about losing George is "I had no idea he was even sick". Believe it or not, that makes me happy. Sort of. You see on January the 22nd, after a 1:00 in the morning  rush to ER for what we thought was a heart attack, we had no idea it would be so much more.  After finding out it was pneumonia, being up all night, and getting George admitted into the hospital, we heard the dreaded word CANCER..we had no idea.
George was adamant that we only tell family and a few close friends that we knew would join us in prayer and be there if we needed them.  Some family members chose to put it on social media which was very hurtful to us both but for the most part we were able to keep it quiet.  He wanted to work and wanted me to work and felt strongly that if people knew he was sick they wouldn't use me and for sure wouldn't use him. But we BOTH managed to work up until August and that is the month he died. Few had any idea.
In fact, I cannot tell you the people who through either my FB page, cards they sent, or at the visitation, or the services, came up to me and said "I had NO idea."
It made me smile.  I wanted George to know that we did it.  That we didn't become "something to talk about" or "people to feel sorry for" which were his greatest fears.
Seven months to the day, from the day we found out, on August 22nd, we laid him to rest. We had no idea it would be so soon.
The day I made "arrangements" I had no idea he would be gone that day.
While he was sick and after he died I realized that I had no idea about a lot of things.  No idea of the love that people  had for us, of the amazing support and prayer that would last after he was gone.  No idea that people would come on short notice and pack the church for the service and swamp the funeral home the night before.  No idea that people would reach out to me in ALL kinds of ways because they loved us.  BOTH of us.  No idea people would STILL be checking on me and Katie and yes even our dog Petey weeks and months later.  Our vet called two weeks after the service to make sure me AND the dog were okay.
I had no idea that when a friend and I were leaving Western Sky that the owner would stop what he was doing (even though it was roping fiesta weekend and packed) and take me aside and tell me how much HE missed George and was I okay.
I had no idea of the generosity of acquaintances and people who just "knew" us.  
I had no idea that at the cemetery a young man would come up to me with tears streaming down his face because while he was going through a divorce George showed up at his work one day to just "check on him" and tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay.
I had no idea that some people would take George's death and try to use it to their advantage by saying that I wasn't going to be coming back to work to a potential client.  (and by the way, I AM working and HAVE been with the exception of the few weeks after he passed)
I had no idea that people would judge my actions, my grief, and just about everything imaginable.
I had no idea that my friends were so fierce. 
I had no idea how strong I am even when I can hear my heart breaking.
I had no idea how much people cared.
I had no idea that people George and I would have least expected to step up did so and in big ways.
I had no idea how stupid some people can be when someone dies.
I had no idea how much his death would change me.  In good and bad ways.
I had no idea that when I went to the chemo lab/dr. office  for the first time that the people there would not only call me by name but come to me and smile and hug me and tell me how much they had been thinking of me.
I had no idea that when I told him it was ok, that I would be fine, that I would be. Most days.
I knew we had a great marriage and tremendous love and respect for each other. But I had no idea that our friends and loved ones knew it.
I had no idea that while I was putting one foot in front of the other every day , with great difficulty, for him that he was doing the exact same thing,with greater difficulty, for me.
So while many of you had "no idea" of what we were dealing with (which is how he wanted it) we had no idea how all of this would impact so many people.
I always knew he was a good, kind, humble and loving man.  I just had no idea that so many others knew it as well.
Just sayin.

Be Careful What You Say

People like to talk.  About anything and usually anyone.  I know.  I am a people.  But as I have gotten older and witnessed many tragedies and triumphs in people's lives I have realized that you have to be careful.  Everyone has a story and it is just that..........THEIR story.  Not yours.  Not for you to pass along, not for you to ponder about with someone else, and not for you to even really give your opinion.  Some things are personal and private yet those are the things we want to talk about the most.  Why is that?  So we can say we "know", or we "knew first", or perhaps by speaking them it somehow makes us a part of the story whether it be good or bad.  I have been guilty of telling people's story without permission.  I have been guilty of pondering about it with others.  I have been guilty.  And I am ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't realize that none of that was helping and many times was just making things worse.  I get that people care and they are concerned but even good intentions can do harm. 
We have had a rash of tragedies in our community in the past year and social media tends to fill up with people sounding the alarm.  A sort of FB Paul Revere if you will.  Did you hear?  Who knows what happened?  Or, worse, they put information out there that is totally unsubstantiated.  But these stories involve real people just like those that are putting it "out there."  Why? 
I remember an old song that said "silence is golden, but my eyes still see."  Just because you see it does that mean you are required to declare it?  I think not.
And if people choose to share their story and put it out there...that's different. But let THEM do it. Nothing is sacred anymore.  Everyone knows everything about everyone.
If someone has a trial or a triumph I think it is up to them as to whether they want it on social media. Or in other people's conversations or even on their lips for that matter.  And I know that everyone, myself included, gossip to some extent.  EVERYONE! Not easy to admit but it is the truth.  And to be concerned or to try to "help" a situation is not that.  But I am just amazed at the people that pride themselves on being "in the know" as if it somehow makes them better? I have changed my perspective on things in the last few months and I want to say I am sorry that I have ever told, speculated, or spread someone else's story.  And even though I never really felt like I was doing harm, it was wrong.  It's always wrong.  Hard to accept but that is the truth of the matter.  It's gossip no matter how you view it.
So, in the future, if you feel the need to tell a story that isn't yours...........think twice.......because some day it might be your story and how would you feel about someone else telling it?  Something to think about.  Just sayin.  

Fear Factor

I don't know about anyone else but I am a worrier.  I wasn't always.  In fact, I am not even sure when it happened but I am going to say at some point in adulthood.  Perhaps because when George and I started out I was really young (like REALLY) and he had four kiddoes and a failing business and what was I thinking?? Ok, I simply said that before you had a chance to.  What I was thinking was that I loved him and that with my "can do" attitude I could make this work and everything would be fine.  And for 37 years it has been.  For the most part.  But there were a lot of "scary" times for a young woman trying to raise kids that weren't hers, and helping salvage and restart a plumbing business, of which I knew nothing about, and maintaining the everyday necessities of life at the same time.  It was hard.  On all of us.  And I worried.  A lot.  Was I doing a good job with the business?  Was I doing right by his children?  How were we going to pay the bills?  And was this something I could and wanted to do?  The answer to all of that was yes.  I did the best I could at such a tender age and we made it through.  Shelton Plumbing is also 37 years old, the kids are alive and well, we paid the bills and even managed to accrue more bills and have a child of my own.  I went to college during all of this, started a career and retired from it and started a new one. I have seen friends and loved ones married and buried. And the things I was afraid of?  Don't seem scary at all anymore. And the things I never worried about? Are scary things indeed. Just sayin.

I'm Baaack!!

Wow! Haven't posted since January of 2011!! The times they have changed indeed.  I am now four years away from the death of my mom and though I still miss her, I am past that gut wrenching grief and focus now on the memories and the happiness that she brought to my life.  My daughter has graduated college, gone back for an alternative certification and is a 5th grade science teacher and doing well.  My husband had a heart attack that required two stents; but that is almost two years behind us and we have changed our lifestyle (some) and he is working and just as ornery as ever.  I finally retired from teaching and am entering my 4th full year in Real Estate and would have NEVER thought that I would love it and be as successful as I have been. People have come and gone, some for the best, others it was the absolute worst.
I am looking forward to 2015 (sort of) and you will be hearing from me on a regular basis.  I went back through and read almost ALL of my former posts and I miss that person.  Hoping she is still in here somewhere 4 years later and that she will have something to say!!! See you soon!!

WEIRD WEEK AHEAD...

I am sort of dreading this week but at the same time not really. On Thursday, February 3rd, my mom would have been 90. We had already planned the party she was going to have. I had notified family back in the summer to make sure that everyone was here to mark the milestone. Mom, who normally never wanted a "fuss", had said "yes we should do this. I mean how many people do you know who live to be 90?" And then as EVERY year on her birthday she added "as long as I can have my family together that is all that matters." So I began letting people know. And now she won't be here. EVERY year for as long as I can remember the last weekend in January I go to Wal-Mart and buy birthday cards for mom, my brother John (his is the 4th), anniversary card for George (it is the 3rd also), Valentine cards for mom, Katie AND George and always leave feeling ahead of the game. I did it again yesterday but left minus HER cards. Felt weird. Last night or should I say early this morning I dreamed of mom for the first time since she died. It was so real. And in the dream the only words she spoke to me were " I missed my mom alot too." And she did. And I miss her A LOT and the grief has diminished but the feeling of "missing her" has not.

Also this week I will celebrate 33 years with George and I am proud and thrilled about that. Just know it will also be on my mom's birthday. Don't want to take away from the day but at the same time just.........I don't know and am suffering writer's block trying to convey my thoughts. I know this, I love George and am PROUD that we have been together through it ALL....just like "not many people live to be 90" not many people stay married anymore. So I don't want to take ONE THING away from him but am not dumb enough to believe that the day won't be hard.

THEN tomorrow the department heads are meeting before school because of a suicide this weekend from one of our former students. We need to "have a plan" in case it impacts our kids/campus. And it probably will. So frustrating that we old folks are doing everything we can to live and our young people just willy nilly take their lives. Teen suicide just makes me angry and I have seen too much of it in 25 years of teaching...so there is that. Me,grieving, a parent who had lived a long full life while there is a mother somewhere in town grieving the life of a child who had so much to live for.

ON Saturday I will attend a retirement seminar to see what all is involved in removing myself from my profession. That is going to be weird as well. Am looking forward to retirement, but at the same time teaching has been all I have known for my adult life. I am excited about doing something new but at the same time, there is comfort in the familiar.

And through all of this I wish mom were here for me to tell and talk to and question.

So, John's birthday, mom's, our anniversary, and a look to the future to round out the week. Like I said, weird week ahead. Wish me luck...I am going to need it.