WEIRD WEEK AHEAD...

I am sort of dreading this week but at the same time not really. On Thursday, February 3rd, my mom would have been 90. We had already planned the party she was going to have. I had notified family back in the summer to make sure that everyone was here to mark the milestone. Mom, who normally never wanted a "fuss", had said "yes we should do this. I mean how many people do you know who live to be 90?" And then as EVERY year on her birthday she added "as long as I can have my family together that is all that matters." So I began letting people know. And now she won't be here. EVERY year for as long as I can remember the last weekend in January I go to Wal-Mart and buy birthday cards for mom, my brother John (his is the 4th), anniversary card for George (it is the 3rd also), Valentine cards for mom, Katie AND George and always leave feeling ahead of the game. I did it again yesterday but left minus HER cards. Felt weird. Last night or should I say early this morning I dreamed of mom for the first time since she died. It was so real. And in the dream the only words she spoke to me were " I missed my mom alot too." And she did. And I miss her A LOT and the grief has diminished but the feeling of "missing her" has not.

Also this week I will celebrate 33 years with George and I am proud and thrilled about that. Just know it will also be on my mom's birthday. Don't want to take away from the day but at the same time just.........I don't know and am suffering writer's block trying to convey my thoughts. I know this, I love George and am PROUD that we have been together through it ALL....just like "not many people live to be 90" not many people stay married anymore. So I don't want to take ONE THING away from him but am not dumb enough to believe that the day won't be hard.

THEN tomorrow the department heads are meeting before school because of a suicide this weekend from one of our former students. We need to "have a plan" in case it impacts our kids/campus. And it probably will. So frustrating that we old folks are doing everything we can to live and our young people just willy nilly take their lives. Teen suicide just makes me angry and I have seen too much of it in 25 years of teaching...so there is that. Me,grieving, a parent who had lived a long full life while there is a mother somewhere in town grieving the life of a child who had so much to live for.

ON Saturday I will attend a retirement seminar to see what all is involved in removing myself from my profession. That is going to be weird as well. Am looking forward to retirement, but at the same time teaching has been all I have known for my adult life. I am excited about doing something new but at the same time, there is comfort in the familiar.

And through all of this I wish mom were here for me to tell and talk to and question.

So, John's birthday, mom's, our anniversary, and a look to the future to round out the week. Like I said, weird week ahead. Wish me luck...I am going to need it.