Medical Speak

In 52 years of life, I have had the misfortune to have MANY "procedures" done. And throughout ALL of them, I have learned that the medical profession has a language unto itself and I am NOT talking about LATIN. For instance, I had a scope done a few years back and as they prepared to spray something down my throat I asked the nurse "is it going to taste bad?" To which she responded, "no, it tastes like banana." Had I not become immediately unconscious after the spraying, my next question to her would have been, "have you ever TASTED a banana?" Followed by "let's go to HEB and buy you one so that you can know what one ACTUALLY tastes like." Banana? Maybe banana licorice with a little quinine thrown in. But banana? I don't think so. So, this past week when I was being scoped (AGAIN) I said, "so what is this going to taste like and DON'T TELL ME A BANANA!! I have eaten bananas and I know from past experience that this is not a true statement." The nurse ( a former student, does the humiliation NEVER end?) says, "no, this tastes like cherry." Really? Cherry you say? The stoic 12 year old in the room that is going to be doing something important to me I am sure, chimes in, "wild cherry." I ask the obvious question..."have either of you ever EATEN a wild cherry?" A timid response comes back, "okay more like cherry cough syrup." YIPPEE!!! Spray me now!! In fact spray me twice!!

Why is it that the people who see us in the most unflattering of positions and at our most vulnerable moments and hold our very health in their hands cannot be honest about what they are going to do to us or more importantly what we are going to experience at their hands? Here are my top three favorite things said to patients:

1)"You might feel some MILD discomfort." This means WHOA NELLIE, it is going to hurt REAL BAD!!!!

2)"You are going to feel a slight prick like a bee sting." EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!! Have you ever actually been stung by a bee? Because this in NO WAY resembles that.

3)"This might burn a little." YOWZA!! Does anyone have any aloe vera? Burn a little? I'm a hunka hunka burnin' flesh!

After my procedures on Friday, they told me that I "might experience a bloated feeling due to the gas they pumped into my body". BLOATED? I could have auditioned for a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade by the time I left there and by the next day the bloat had subsided to a point where I looked only MILDLY pregnant. Nice look for a grandma I might add. Why can't they just tell you the truth and in terms we understand? When it comes to our health, most of us are going to do whatever necessary to see that we stay or get healthy. Just tell us up front. Let us know what to expect going in so that we aren't shocked and confused when it is over and all of this "medical speak" has lulled us into a false sense of security.

One of my tests was a colonoscopy. Are you kidding me? We can LOOK at the moon and see it PERFECTLY with every crater and mountain. We use high powered telescopes that can study planets down to the most minute detail. WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON for pete's sake but we cannot find a HUMANE way to look into a human body part without the "cleansing" mania known as the "prep?" I loved the conversation I had with the nurse the day before the "prep" started. And by the way there is no PREPPING for that. There is NO WAY you can be prepared for what that entails. The word "prep" should be changed to "reverse potty training." I would have at least expected the horror to follow but instead the word "prep" was used sounding a lot less ominous. Oh the world of "medical speak."

The day before the "prep" the nurse called to give me some "tips" to make the process go easier. Should have been my first clue as to what was coming. To have to "prep" the "prep", well enough said. She, helpfully, said that you need to make sure you put "something on your bottom so it doesn't become sore and angry." I told her that my bottom was ALREADY angry and everything from there on up was getting mad as well. Her response was, "well you really won't remember it, so it will be fine." FINE? Did she actually tell me that it was going to be fine? She was 8 if she was a day and I GUARANTEE she has NEVER done the "prep." If she had she would NEVER have told me that I would not remember it. I will still be remembering the day of the "prep" when they toss my tired old bones into a six foot hole. Are you kidding me? And NO ONE TOLD ME the "prep" takes 8-9 hours for a procedure that takes 12-15 minutes! I don't teach math but there is something VERY wrong here.

I guess the good news is that in the end, everything turned out okay. And throughout all of these ordeals God has been merciful and I have been okay. But holy moly what I wouldn't give for just ONE word of honesty about what REALLY happens at the doctor's office, or in day surgery, or in the emergency room. I just remembered my all time favorite, "sit back and relax, you won't feel a thing." When you hear that......RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!