I'm Baaack!!

Wow! Haven't posted since January of 2011!! The times they have changed indeed.  I am now four years away from the death of my mom and though I still miss her, I am past that gut wrenching grief and focus now on the memories and the happiness that she brought to my life.  My daughter has graduated college, gone back for an alternative certification and is a 5th grade science teacher and doing well.  My husband had a heart attack that required two stents; but that is almost two years behind us and we have changed our lifestyle (some) and he is working and just as ornery as ever.  I finally retired from teaching and am entering my 4th full year in Real Estate and would have NEVER thought that I would love it and be as successful as I have been. People have come and gone, some for the best, others it was the absolute worst.
I am looking forward to 2015 (sort of) and you will be hearing from me on a regular basis.  I went back through and read almost ALL of my former posts and I miss that person.  Hoping she is still in here somewhere 4 years later and that she will have something to say!!! See you soon!!

WEIRD WEEK AHEAD...

I am sort of dreading this week but at the same time not really. On Thursday, February 3rd, my mom would have been 90. We had already planned the party she was going to have. I had notified family back in the summer to make sure that everyone was here to mark the milestone. Mom, who normally never wanted a "fuss", had said "yes we should do this. I mean how many people do you know who live to be 90?" And then as EVERY year on her birthday she added "as long as I can have my family together that is all that matters." So I began letting people know. And now she won't be here. EVERY year for as long as I can remember the last weekend in January I go to Wal-Mart and buy birthday cards for mom, my brother John (his is the 4th), anniversary card for George (it is the 3rd also), Valentine cards for mom, Katie AND George and always leave feeling ahead of the game. I did it again yesterday but left minus HER cards. Felt weird. Last night or should I say early this morning I dreamed of mom for the first time since she died. It was so real. And in the dream the only words she spoke to me were " I missed my mom alot too." And she did. And I miss her A LOT and the grief has diminished but the feeling of "missing her" has not.

Also this week I will celebrate 33 years with George and I am proud and thrilled about that. Just know it will also be on my mom's birthday. Don't want to take away from the day but at the same time just.........I don't know and am suffering writer's block trying to convey my thoughts. I know this, I love George and am PROUD that we have been together through it ALL....just like "not many people live to be 90" not many people stay married anymore. So I don't want to take ONE THING away from him but am not dumb enough to believe that the day won't be hard.

THEN tomorrow the department heads are meeting before school because of a suicide this weekend from one of our former students. We need to "have a plan" in case it impacts our kids/campus. And it probably will. So frustrating that we old folks are doing everything we can to live and our young people just willy nilly take their lives. Teen suicide just makes me angry and I have seen too much of it in 25 years of teaching...so there is that. Me,grieving, a parent who had lived a long full life while there is a mother somewhere in town grieving the life of a child who had so much to live for.

ON Saturday I will attend a retirement seminar to see what all is involved in removing myself from my profession. That is going to be weird as well. Am looking forward to retirement, but at the same time teaching has been all I have known for my adult life. I am excited about doing something new but at the same time, there is comfort in the familiar.

And through all of this I wish mom were here for me to tell and talk to and question.

So, John's birthday, mom's, our anniversary, and a look to the future to round out the week. Like I said, weird week ahead. Wish me luck...I am going to need it.

"Seasons Change and So Did I"

That song lyric came to me as I realized I am sad today. Not down, not depressed just Webster's dictionary sad. I have come to several conclusions about me and my life that aren't easy to face or admit. First I have come to the conclusion, and it is not earth shattering by any means, that real friends are just hard to find. I have lost several in the last year. And by lost I don't mean to death. I think that would be easier. To know that they are no longer in your life because they are no longer here. In fact, I don't mean lost at all. I mean that I have come to realize that they (and some of them I have considered "friends" for years) are not and haven't really ever been my friend. They have liked me, hung out with me, called me, shared things with me but it was all very temporary and usually all done at their convenience or my insistence. So basically not friends at all. I have two friends that I worked with who went on to bigger and better things and we still stay in touch, email on occasion, and face book. When we talk, it is like no time has gone by and if I ever need either one of them they will be there. Those are friends. Others who live right here in town and are in contact with me just sort of interact with me if time allows it or they are in the mood for it which by the way they usually aren't. I am sad about it because the people who fall into this category I have really truly loved and cared for. It is not easy to admit that perhaps they don't feel the same way for whatever reason. And because "friends" have always been an integral part of my life and who I am, I am sad about this. It is time to move beyond these people and quit trying to make them into something that they are just never going to be.
Second, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how frustrating and even infuriating it is at times, I need to be thankful for my job. I mean there are many people out there with no job. And for the most part I get to do something that I believe GOD created me to do and that is teach. Yes students are different and the administration, well I will just leave that alone, but I have employment and it helps pay the bills and put food on my table. So I am going to quit griping about it. I am going to, instead, try to be grateful. AND I am going to retire as soon as I hit the mark. It is not in my nature to "back down" from a fight when I see things that I know in my heart to be wrong but in the long run I don't see it making any difference (except to maybe make ME feel better) so I am going to just do my job and wait my time.
Third, I seem to be in a season of loss. Loss of my mom, my friends, joy in my work, and the ability to handle disappointments. But the seasons change and perhaps so have I. Perhaps it is not a bad thing. Perhaps these things that are making me sad NEED to go. The song says it best "seasons change and so did I, you need not wonder why."

Getting My Laughter Back

As most of you know, my mom passed away recently and even though she was 89, for us, and I believe for her, it was really and truly totally unexpected. For the 11 days leading up to her death and for the 5 weeks now since..I seem to have lost my laughter. I am a "laugher" (is that even a word?) by nature because I am basically immature and laugh at just about any and every thing. I also crack myself up quite often so laughing is something that is a constant with me. My mom loved my laugh/smile more than anything else about me and I am sure she would not be happy about the fact that I seem to have misplaced it. I mean I have laughed some since July 25th but not much of it has been that deep belly hysterical laughter that is such a staple in my life. Don't misunderstand....I am not walking around with a cloud over my head and I still manage to be witty and sarcastic but let's be real...that only brings laughter to others...and I of course am all about entertaining my friends!! But I need a good hard long belly laugh to "restart" that part of me that seems so sad now. So send me corny jokes, fart when you are with me, (told you I was immature) or say something like "wiener" when you mean hot dog and maybe we can get me back on track. Any and all help would be greatly appreciated :0)

Time...Slippin' Through My Fingers

Just look at her. Go ahead, take a good long look. Is she not the cutest thing EVER? Twenty years ago almost to the minute that I am writing this Dr. Herbert held this little girl in front of my face and said "here you go, it's a Katie Rae". I remember saying "she's not very cute" and his reply was "yeah well she doesn't think too much of you either". Okay let me clarify. I had just undergone a C-section, had a little difficulty, and was somewhat medicated and Dr. Herbert her pediatrician was already in love with her. Still is to this day as a matter of fact. As is EVERYONE who comes in contact with her. She is fun, reliable, dependable, extremely independent, stubborn, opinionated, sympathetic, witty, talented, and yes at times mean. I am proud of her. I love her so much and now today as I write this she is no longer a teen. And as the song goes "I look at her and see time slippin' through my fingers." Where did it all go and how did this little girl grow up overnight? She will be moving into her "own" place two weeks from Thursday. She has her life mapped out and is taking the steps needed to reach her destination. When I was twenty I didn't know if I was washing or hanging out most of the time. But not Katie Rae. Determined is the word that describes her best. My heart is a little heavy today as I realize that even though she will ALWAYS be our "little girl", she is not a little girl anymore. Happy Birthday Miss Katie, may today and everyday be everything you hoped for.

Shelton Memorial Vet Clinic AND Animal Shelter

Remember the goat George saved running down the road at rodeo? Or the sick frozen cat that I wrapped up in my mom's FAMILY blanket for it to ride to the pound in comfort as they most likely put it to sleep after I had TRIED to feed and care for it for a week? Or the dog down the street that is German Shepherd size that the owners have chained out in the yard with a Chihuahua sized dog house that George went and gave them a big one and they finally UNCHAINED the animal and built it an enclosure. OR the TWO dogs next door that I feed, water (even bought them a self water dish) and gave them a dog house because their owners don't even know they exist? AND last week I discovered they (my non-dogs) had ticks so I went to the SPCA free give away and doctored them AND got them flea collars........well all of that to say this. Saturday as I am limping around with a "slight" case of food poisoning (and by that I mean enough to make me feel HORRIBLE) I went to check the mail and saw two white guineas eating in my neighbors flower bed. There was a garage sale across the street and I asked it they belonged to anyone over there and of course the answer was no. I went and got George as our cat decided she was in for a HUGE buffet and we began to try and "corral" them. we got them into our back yard and George caught one and gave it to me as it proceeded to bite the crap out of me I THREW it into a dog kennel we had and locked the door. Well Petey was out side and he was going berserk so I am running around trying to get him all the while wishing I could vomit. Well the second one flew into the pool and with George screaming at me to "get it" I grabbed it, as it threw water all over me, bit me HARD and then shat (yes that is the correct verb) it shat all over me and I dropped it and my husband in his infinite wisdom said "why in the hell did you let it go?" I am considering an attorney at this point. Anyway, we caught it finally and delivered them (the smell in my Tahoe was terrible) to my brother and sister in laws' in Christoval who have guineas along with EVERYTHING else. So I asked George "we weren't the ONLY people who SAW these birds. What does everyone else do?" He said, "they look they other way or they just don't care." So, I am going to put one of those big red crosses on my roof since I seem to be the way station for EVERY animal in trouble within a one hundred mile radius. Good news is.........birds are happy......and so am I for saving them. They wouldn't have lasted the night.

WHAT HAPPENED??!

What happened? I mean seriously...what happened? Katie moved to ASU into a dorm, then to Lubbock into a dorm and then wanted to move into an apartment in August and NOT come home this summer. THEN no apartment, but a house and quite possibly A HOUSE BY HERSELF.......NO ROOMMATES...NO ONE BUT HER!!! And now NOT in August but IN JUNE!! What is happening??? So now we are looking at ANOTHER deposit, furniture AND her tuition and books for summer school and instead of having three months to get ready we have ONE!! Let me say again... What happened??? And then last night she informed me that she had found a person there that sells Mary Kay so she is going to buy some which has always been what I did for her with my person here. Don't get me wrong I don't want to buy her make-up but it just felt like ONE MORE THING!!! What happened? I'll tell you what I think...........she just GREW UP OVERNIGHT. Wants to be independent and live truly on her own... I am okay with that I guess but it is just SO SUDDEN. Makes me wonder what happened? Is that how it works for everyone? Did my mom wake up one day and say "what happened?" Does everyone?? I mean is that how it happens........I am truly overwhelmed..........a house AND make-up!!