Medical Speak

In 52 years of life, I have had the misfortune to have MANY "procedures" done. And throughout ALL of them, I have learned that the medical profession has a language unto itself and I am NOT talking about LATIN. For instance, I had a scope done a few years back and as they prepared to spray something down my throat I asked the nurse "is it going to taste bad?" To which she responded, "no, it tastes like banana." Had I not become immediately unconscious after the spraying, my next question to her would have been, "have you ever TASTED a banana?" Followed by "let's go to HEB and buy you one so that you can know what one ACTUALLY tastes like." Banana? Maybe banana licorice with a little quinine thrown in. But banana? I don't think so. So, this past week when I was being scoped (AGAIN) I said, "so what is this going to taste like and DON'T TELL ME A BANANA!! I have eaten bananas and I know from past experience that this is not a true statement." The nurse ( a former student, does the humiliation NEVER end?) says, "no, this tastes like cherry." Really? Cherry you say? The stoic 12 year old in the room that is going to be doing something important to me I am sure, chimes in, "wild cherry." I ask the obvious question..."have either of you ever EATEN a wild cherry?" A timid response comes back, "okay more like cherry cough syrup." YIPPEE!!! Spray me now!! In fact spray me twice!!

Why is it that the people who see us in the most unflattering of positions and at our most vulnerable moments and hold our very health in their hands cannot be honest about what they are going to do to us or more importantly what we are going to experience at their hands? Here are my top three favorite things said to patients:

1)"You might feel some MILD discomfort." This means WHOA NELLIE, it is going to hurt REAL BAD!!!!

2)"You are going to feel a slight prick like a bee sting." EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!! Have you ever actually been stung by a bee? Because this in NO WAY resembles that.

3)"This might burn a little." YOWZA!! Does anyone have any aloe vera? Burn a little? I'm a hunka hunka burnin' flesh!

After my procedures on Friday, they told me that I "might experience a bloated feeling due to the gas they pumped into my body". BLOATED? I could have auditioned for a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade by the time I left there and by the next day the bloat had subsided to a point where I looked only MILDLY pregnant. Nice look for a grandma I might add. Why can't they just tell you the truth and in terms we understand? When it comes to our health, most of us are going to do whatever necessary to see that we stay or get healthy. Just tell us up front. Let us know what to expect going in so that we aren't shocked and confused when it is over and all of this "medical speak" has lulled us into a false sense of security.

One of my tests was a colonoscopy. Are you kidding me? We can LOOK at the moon and see it PERFECTLY with every crater and mountain. We use high powered telescopes that can study planets down to the most minute detail. WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON for pete's sake but we cannot find a HUMANE way to look into a human body part without the "cleansing" mania known as the "prep?" I loved the conversation I had with the nurse the day before the "prep" started. And by the way there is no PREPPING for that. There is NO WAY you can be prepared for what that entails. The word "prep" should be changed to "reverse potty training." I would have at least expected the horror to follow but instead the word "prep" was used sounding a lot less ominous. Oh the world of "medical speak."

The day before the "prep" the nurse called to give me some "tips" to make the process go easier. Should have been my first clue as to what was coming. To have to "prep" the "prep", well enough said. She, helpfully, said that you need to make sure you put "something on your bottom so it doesn't become sore and angry." I told her that my bottom was ALREADY angry and everything from there on up was getting mad as well. Her response was, "well you really won't remember it, so it will be fine." FINE? Did she actually tell me that it was going to be fine? She was 8 if she was a day and I GUARANTEE she has NEVER done the "prep." If she had she would NEVER have told me that I would not remember it. I will still be remembering the day of the "prep" when they toss my tired old bones into a six foot hole. Are you kidding me? And NO ONE TOLD ME the "prep" takes 8-9 hours for a procedure that takes 12-15 minutes! I don't teach math but there is something VERY wrong here.

I guess the good news is that in the end, everything turned out okay. And throughout all of these ordeals God has been merciful and I have been okay. But holy moly what I wouldn't give for just ONE word of honesty about what REALLY happens at the doctor's office, or in day surgery, or in the emergency room. I just remembered my all time favorite, "sit back and relax, you won't feel a thing." When you hear that......RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

TGIF!!

Okay, I love Fridays. I mean seriously. Since I was small, Fridays were always THE day of the week. Before I started school, Fridays meant the last day of work for the week for my mom. That meant that on Saturdays we could go "downtown." Saturdays were days reserved for movies, shopping (even if it was only grocery shopping), and sleeping late. Fridays were the precursor to the weekend; to family and mom time. Fridays meant only ONE MORE DAY at the babysitters. As I got older, Fridays were the last day of school for the week and the start of the weekend. In elementary, it meant playing later outside and in junior high it meant sleep overs and birthday parties. In high school, Fridays signaled that by dark we would be "on the drag" and hanging out with our friends. You know back when you HAD to stay home during the week because it was a "school night." So Friday was our LEGAL day to be out at night. As I got older Friday became PAY DAY!!! And of course still the start of the weekend. Now that I am even older (sigh) Fridays still signal an end of something and the beginning of something better. The end to a week of work and early to bed to get up early for work. Friday in the spring means a WHOLE LOT of students out for sporting events which means smaller classes and less to do because so many students are gone. Many people say that Saturday is their favorite day of the week because they are "off". But I like Fridays the best. Granted I have to work that day but it is the LAST day of the week to work and ANYONE can make it 8 hours. And then when it is over you have the WHOLE weekend to look forward to. I love Fridays!!!

TIRED

Does this week seem long to anyone but me?

The End of the Trail

The 2009 Trail Run Series officially ended Saturday with the third and final run. In this series you could run a 5K (about 3.2 miles) or farther. I chose to run the 5K in all three races. Are you kidding me? I would have never attempted anything more. In the first one, I lurched along this vicious course in 29 degree weather with a wind chill factor of 19. I fell and there was no one there to see/help me as I was in the wilderness and far removed from the rest of the pack. Yes we do indeed have wilderness in San Angelo. Who knew? In fact, I thought the "trail run" meant we would be running on a trail.......like a dirt road. NO! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!! It was rocks, rutted roads, grass, rocks, old four wheel drive trails, rocks, motocross trails and rocks. Did I say rocks? As I started on my first run, I became furious that I had gotten myself into this mess and with my niece as "my partner" I did not feel like I could quit. I did seriously think of quitting, however, after I fell (for what seemed like two minutes). BUT there wasn't anyone around to CARRY me back so I had to keep going. I think that is part of the plan. When it was over and I had crossed the finish line (finally) I was surprised to find that I had finished first in my age group. And I WASN'T the only one in my age group. Felt pretty good (except for the growing bruise on my leg and knee from the fall). So, I agreed to run in the next one. Fast forward two weeks. The weather is beautiful and the number of runners has increased dramatically. The director announces that he has "changed the course" a little. Once again I am furious. BUT, this second trail was so much easier. UNTIL I fell AGAIN!! And this time, a real ouchy!!! Ripped my leggings and a portion of my leg AND my hip. But I persevered and crossed the finish line SEVEN MINUTES faster than I had previously. Finished first in my age group...........I am starting to like this.............. A LOT!!! Fast forward two more weeks to this last Saturday. It is freezing cold with winds out of the north at THIRTY NINE MILES PER HOUR. They have changed the course AGAIN and much of it is going to be on a road BUT we are running INTO that wind. It was so cold. I decided to just "coast." I had already asked God the night before and that morning to hold on to me and not let me fall. So, I just got all calm (except for the incessant shivering) and hit the trail. Came in first AGAIN and DIDN'T FALL OR EVEN SLIP ONCE!!! For all of the drama, I felt such a sense of accomplishment and pride that I had managed to complete this series and stay in one piece. And of course getting the water bottles, winners' certificate, and the T-Shirt didn't hurt either. So, I left that morning at what I thought was the end of the trail. But not so. There are 5K fun runs every month starting in March and going through June at least. Some months there are more than one. I not only plan on running in some, if not all, of them but also plan on running in the 8K (5 miles) Run in the Sun in May. Who knows, one day I might even do a half-marathon. See you on the road and Happy Trails!!!

Bite-Sized Candy

This is a problem. I have decided that it is an evil plot designed by men OR people who are overweight. At lunch EVERY DAY, we DRAG out the bags of "bite-sized" chocolate. Much of it is dark chocolate because my friend, Dusti, says it is "better for you." Like any chocolate could be bad but never mind. The idea or marketing behind the dark chocolate is that because it is more bitter you won't eat as much. I EAT every bit as much and just scowl through the bitterness as I down 5-6 pieces. And as for the milk chocolate............well, it is so small ...but when you eat 10 pieces, it is MORE than if you had a single candy bar. I have had a hard time losing weight lately. I am running and I KNOW muscle weighs more than fat but hellooooo, I look at my legs and don't see muscle so am pretty sure it is FAT!! At lunch we all pretty much eat BOX meals (you know those little entrees that come in a box) that are supposed to be low in calories. Or in my case low in points which is what weight watchers members live (and die) by. So I try to keep my meal (along with my piece of fruit) down to about 6 points maybe 7. Are you impressed? Well don't be. Today I started adding up the "bite-sized" candies I was eating and I had eaten a total of 8 points.....MORE THAN MY MEAL!!! This is scandalous and the people behind this plot need to be exposed for what they are. Diabolical plotters who are exploiting women's craving for chocolate and desire to be thin. They are hitting us from both angles. And as I say this I have SIX chocolate kisses on my desk. After all.............they are really small.

I LOVE FEBRUARY!!!

February is the best month of the whole year as far as I am concerned. On February 3rd my mom has a birthday. This year she was 88 years young. Her body has played out but her mind, spirit, and soul are still at the top of their game. My mom is the epitome of EVERYTHING a mom should be. And each year IN FEBRUARY, we get to celebrate another year of her remarkable life. ON THAT SAME DAY, George and I celebrate a wedding anniversary. This year we marveled at the fact that we have been together thirty one years!!! Quite an accomplishment in this day and age when we live in such a "disposable" society. And our wonder didn't come because we "made it so long" but rather that it seems like yesterday when we first started out on our adventure of life together. I guess time really does fly when you are having fun. Then the next day is my older brother's and my grandmother's birthday. My grandmother is in heaven but the 4th of February NEVER comes that I don't think of her and remember what a remarkable woman she was. Born in 1900, she lived to be 102. Saw many things over the course of her life. Was such a gentle soul. My brother and I don't see each other often but on that date, I call him and sing happy birthday and can hear the smile in his voice. What fun!! Then there is Valentine's Day. NOT A NATIONAL HOLIDAY (sorry Hallmark) BUT a day that reminds people (no matter how full of consumerism) of the people they love. We don't necessarily "DO" Valentine's Day but I think we DO make an extra effort that day. We tell each other "happy Valentine's day", we do something for the grandkids that says "nana and papa love you lots" and we send something sentimental but fun to our kids. Nothing big mind you, but the sweet thought that says "on this day when people are reminded of love, we are reminded of you!" It is nice. I might not even cook supper and get taken to dinner. Of course that statement could make almost EVERY Friday Valentine's :) Then FOUR DAYS LATER, it is my birthday!! Most people don't care enough or they care too much for their birthday. Not me. I am somewhere in the middle. I love my birthday as for me it represents another year come and gone and the journey continues. I love my birthday but don't expect others to recognize it or celebrate it. In fact, if there was no celebration other than my own inner sense of "congratulations", I would be okay with that. I am just happy that I have survived. And of course, my family does recognize it and make it important even if it is nothing more than my wonderful mom calling me first thing before I go to school and with full melody sings Happy Birthday every single year. I am so blessed EVERY month but there is so much for me in the shortest month of the year that I would just like to officically announce that I LOVE FEBRUARY!!!

Dear "Offended" Reader

Webster defines blog as follows : a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer ; also : the contents of such a site

So........my blog is made up of my personal thoughts, reflections, and comments. It is my online journal or diary. I INVITED my friends and loved ones to visit it. In fact, I didn't invite all of my friends or even all of my family as I knew that some of them would not be in agreement with my thoughts or opinions. And I was trying to be considerate. Which leads me to YOU, "offended reader". I did not invite you. In fact, you can't just "get to my blog". I tried it by typing in joyceshelton's blog today and guess what....it didn't come up. So you didn't "happen upon it" and you weren't invited. You accessed it through someone else's. Which is fine EXCEPT......you took offense at one of the entries and immediately set out to punish me for my thoughts. You printed it out and tried to harm me with it by submitting it to someone that you thought could be or would be the "blog police." Well guess what? There is no blog police. And I can't be punished for my thoughts or feelings. That is guaranteed me through a little document called the Constitution of the United States in a little amendment called "freedom of speech." I take it you are not familiar with that. Otherwise, surely, you would be contacting the Standard Times weekly about some of the horrible editorials that they print. But perhaps you realize that is all they are... editorials.......people's opinions. Sort of like a blog. One thing that you took issue with is an old time saying that I have heard my whole life from educators. In fact PART OF IT is a quote from scripture. God didn't mean it ugly and I didn't either. In fact, "offended reader", it feels less to me like you were offended and more like you were trying to "have me punished." Which makes me wonder why since I know who you are. Have we had a fight that I am not aware of? There is a place for comments on my blog and I find myself wondering why you didn't avail yourself of that option or contact me personally since we are at the same place every day. Did you perhaps see yourself in the blog? Were you just having a bad day? I was, and my blog was the outlet. I didn't lie, call names, or engage in libel or slander of any kind. In fact, I only use names with permission. So, while I feel a little bewildered and betrayed by your behavior ( I love alliteration), I am going to call "no harm no foul " as there were no repercussions to your search for punishment of me for my personal thoughts. But, I do wonder as to what you were trying to accomplish and why? So, "offended reader", let me give you a valuable lesson in blog reading. It is alot like finding something to watch on TV or something decent on the radio. If you don't like the program, change the channel. If you can't stand the song, tune to another station. And if you find me to be a moron or offensive, at the top of the computer screen on the right, there is a box with an X in it. If you don't like what you are reading.....click on it. I think this will help. As to my other faithful FRIENDLY followers.........let the journey continue.............