Morning musings

How are you?  I get that a lot these days.  Sometimes with that sad funeral voice.  Sometimes with care and concern and sometimes from a sense of obligation. I say okay but what I want to say is...Being a widow is hard.  Let me just say that again.  Being a widow is hard.  For most of your life you have been a couple.  A duo.  A combination.  I have spent all of my adult life being George and Joyce or Joyce and George.  Not a fan of being just Joyce.  She is not near as interesting or funny or happy as she was when she was part of George and Joyce.
I want to say  I am navigating waters that for me are deep and scary at times.  Sometimes the sea is calm but most often it is not.  I don't know what's out there but know that I have to just keep moving forward.  I have no choice.  I want to say throw me a life preserver.
I want to say I know who I was with him and I try to find her and be her now.  Strong, confident, and my mama's girl.  But I never knew that HE was what made me those things.  That I was the balloon that before you could get it tied it flits all around the room.  He was the balloon master.  He would grab it and either get the knot tied or let the air out a little at a time. 
I want to say I wish I could tell him thank you for that.  That I miss that the most.  That I could weather this if he were here to monitor the balloon.
I want to say while your life has gone on as it should this weeks marks 5 months since he died and was buried.  How am I?  Awful!! Not outwardly but inwardly I hurt, I miss him, I am sad, and I wonder if it will ever be different. And while I know it will be because people lose loved ones every day and have since the beginning of time and survived, I just wonder when that will happen.  And how will I feel when it does.  I don't want to forget, or get "used to' this but at the same time I am fairly certain that I can't function like this indefinitely.
I want to say I need someone to monitor my balloon.
I want say here's the thing..........2015 was a year of lasts. We knew that it was our last anniversary, birthdays, father's/mother's day, rodeo, Easter, spring, summer,even plumbing school.  It was the last year of us. But we just kept on because to not do so would have been to deny life.  Now enter 2016.  New year and with it most people feel like a new start.  All it feels like to me is a year of firsts.  First everything without him.  Hard to be excited and hopeful about that. 
I want to say that I am coping through  work (which is such a blessing), running (which helps a lot), praying (but not as fervently as I did), reading my Bible, and trying every day to be okay.  I know that is what he would want.  I know that is what I want.  But it is hard. I am not a crier.  I AM an emotional person (some might change that word to dramatic but they are my friends and are hateful).  I cry at movies, videos, music, books, puppies, etc.  You know, your normal stuff.  (That's all normal right?) But now I just cry over the weirdest things.  And when it comes, it comes with a force and usually in public places where you just have to give in and let go.  It's mortifying.  And there is no stopping it.  Not a fan of that either. 
So how am I?  Depends on the day, hour, moment.  I think for the most part I am doing okay but the last few weeks have been rough.  I think it was the new year and everyone talking about new beginnings.  I think because this is the anniversary week that he died and was buried. I think because we always had ONE anniversary and it was the day of our marriage.  Now that is gone and has been replaced by a new kind of anniversary.  One of loss.  One of "this time last year..." and for this year only.  How awful it will be when even that passes.
 I think about how next week marks a year that we heard that awful hateful word........cancer.  I think because in the last few months several people have died from cancer (some were famous but you feel like you "knew them' and some were close to me).  Seems like the cancer is winning.  Not a fan of that either.  I know that God is in control I just am not sure why He feels cancer is a necessary thing in this nasty world of ours.  Maybe that is why.  Because this world is so full of sin that what is one more thing?
So how am I you ask?  Surviving.  Trying to be happy or should I say content in a world that is so different than what I have ever known.  Can't remember a time that we weren't us. Determined to keep my head up and live which is what he would have wanted more than anything. Some days it's just harder than others.  Just sayin'.