What Not to Wear (revisited)

People magazine usually puts out an issue on how to "glam" it up for the summer. It is full of helpful tips and cost effective ways to "look like a star." I have decided to help my dear friends, coworkers, and students who either don't subscribe to People or who can't afford to purchase one at Wal-Mart. So here are MY fashion DOS AND DON'TS.

DOS

do bathe regularly (wasn't something I thought I would have to mention until one of my students just walked up to my desk as I was preparing to type)

do use deodorant (see above)

do wash hair (AT LEAST 4 of the SEVEN days of the week)

do STYLE hair (and that does not mean like "carrot top, it also means no do-rags, headbands, caps or scarves. I have several friends for whom cap screams "didn't take time to do my hair)

do use product if hair is unruly. (doesn't have to be salon style.. a Wal-Mart brand will work, so $$$ is not an excuse)

do WEAR MAKE-UP (unless you are a "natural beauty" which I have yet to see EVER in anyone OVER 30 years old!!) And might I add here that I had to wear make-up beginning at the age of 5 so no natural beauty here.

do wear clothes APPROPRIATE to the seasons (yes we are in West Texas but there are STILL seasons and they should be observed LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD. We may be isolated but we don't have to be ignorant.)

do ACCENTUATE the positive

do CAMOUFLAGE the negative (these are elementary people)

do SMILE (as long as you are brushing your teeth regularly...do we even have to mention that ladies?)

do dress your age (there is something sexy about a woman who feels good in her own skin....unless that is all you have on)

And before you think I am just being "mean". I am surrounded by students AND adults
( Shocking I know) that these apply to. And not just at school either.

Now for the DON'TS

don't buy, wear, or even look at white shoes EVER (unless you are a nurse over 50 and still wear the white uniform) This does NOT apply to tennis shoes however. (they are in a whole different category)But white shoes.....only for girls under 12 EVER

don't wear above mentioned shoes (if you just insist on having a pair) until EASTER. (Hello, may I introduce you to Emily Post? Believe you me, go with ivory, or taupe but BACK AWAY FROM THE WHITE RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY!!! I have NEVER heard someone say "I Love your shoes, where did you get them?" about white.. just so you know)

don't wear hose (period)

okay that is not a real rule... the rule is don't wear hose that are DARKER than your shoes!!!( I feel silly even having to mention it.)

don't wear clothes that are too tight (we have gone over this in previous blog part 1)

don't wear clothes too big (once again see part 1)

don't wear tennis shoes with jeans if you are over 35. (It is an Elly Mae Clampett disaster waiting to happen. A long legged jeans with some kind of heel gives you height and poise and keeps you from looking like a frumpy or "wannabe" teenager. And make sure the jeans are long enough for your shoes. Otherwise we are talking a whole other fashion disaster)

don't wear tennis shoes with ANYTHING unless it is a sport look i.e. windpants, sweats, or workout clothes.

don't wear your daughter's jewelry. that rope, plastic, and bangle stuff was not meant for Hannah's(as in Montana) mom. Buy your own and make it age appropriate. Doesn't have to be expensive

don't tuck in ANYTHING unless you are within 5 pounds of your high school weight. or have never given birth

don't frump up because you feel bad about yourself. if you feel unattractive, don't take it out on your clothes.... go work out or eat less. I sometimes feel extremely unattractive (shocking I know) but my clothes NEVER betray that emotion. When I wear sweats or dress "down" I make it look like it is on purpose and that I am having a "lazy" day!

don't go to YOUR JOB without make-up. It says I don't care enough about myself so how could I possibly care about my job? See above comment about "natural beauty."

don't make excuses or apologize for your appearance because A) it means you know you look bad and should have taken a little more time or B) that you are trying to justify your fashion faux paus

If you follow these little helpful hints you won't have to call atttention or deflect attention from yourself. No matter the mood, the clothes will say, I feel good because I look good. That is all.

Medical Speak

In 52 years of life, I have had the misfortune to have MANY "procedures" done. And throughout ALL of them, I have learned that the medical profession has a language unto itself and I am NOT talking about LATIN. For instance, I had a scope done a few years back and as they prepared to spray something down my throat I asked the nurse "is it going to taste bad?" To which she responded, "no, it tastes like banana." Had I not become immediately unconscious after the spraying, my next question to her would have been, "have you ever TASTED a banana?" Followed by "let's go to HEB and buy you one so that you can know what one ACTUALLY tastes like." Banana? Maybe banana licorice with a little quinine thrown in. But banana? I don't think so. So, this past week when I was being scoped (AGAIN) I said, "so what is this going to taste like and DON'T TELL ME A BANANA!! I have eaten bananas and I know from past experience that this is not a true statement." The nurse ( a former student, does the humiliation NEVER end?) says, "no, this tastes like cherry." Really? Cherry you say? The stoic 12 year old in the room that is going to be doing something important to me I am sure, chimes in, "wild cherry." I ask the obvious question..."have either of you ever EATEN a wild cherry?" A timid response comes back, "okay more like cherry cough syrup." YIPPEE!!! Spray me now!! In fact spray me twice!!

Why is it that the people who see us in the most unflattering of positions and at our most vulnerable moments and hold our very health in their hands cannot be honest about what they are going to do to us or more importantly what we are going to experience at their hands? Here are my top three favorite things said to patients:

1)"You might feel some MILD discomfort." This means WHOA NELLIE, it is going to hurt REAL BAD!!!!

2)"You are going to feel a slight prick like a bee sting." EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!! Have you ever actually been stung by a bee? Because this in NO WAY resembles that.

3)"This might burn a little." YOWZA!! Does anyone have any aloe vera? Burn a little? I'm a hunka hunka burnin' flesh!

After my procedures on Friday, they told me that I "might experience a bloated feeling due to the gas they pumped into my body". BLOATED? I could have auditioned for a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade by the time I left there and by the next day the bloat had subsided to a point where I looked only MILDLY pregnant. Nice look for a grandma I might add. Why can't they just tell you the truth and in terms we understand? When it comes to our health, most of us are going to do whatever necessary to see that we stay or get healthy. Just tell us up front. Let us know what to expect going in so that we aren't shocked and confused when it is over and all of this "medical speak" has lulled us into a false sense of security.

One of my tests was a colonoscopy. Are you kidding me? We can LOOK at the moon and see it PERFECTLY with every crater and mountain. We use high powered telescopes that can study planets down to the most minute detail. WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON for pete's sake but we cannot find a HUMANE way to look into a human body part without the "cleansing" mania known as the "prep?" I loved the conversation I had with the nurse the day before the "prep" started. And by the way there is no PREPPING for that. There is NO WAY you can be prepared for what that entails. The word "prep" should be changed to "reverse potty training." I would have at least expected the horror to follow but instead the word "prep" was used sounding a lot less ominous. Oh the world of "medical speak."

The day before the "prep" the nurse called to give me some "tips" to make the process go easier. Should have been my first clue as to what was coming. To have to "prep" the "prep", well enough said. She, helpfully, said that you need to make sure you put "something on your bottom so it doesn't become sore and angry." I told her that my bottom was ALREADY angry and everything from there on up was getting mad as well. Her response was, "well you really won't remember it, so it will be fine." FINE? Did she actually tell me that it was going to be fine? She was 8 if she was a day and I GUARANTEE she has NEVER done the "prep." If she had she would NEVER have told me that I would not remember it. I will still be remembering the day of the "prep" when they toss my tired old bones into a six foot hole. Are you kidding me? And NO ONE TOLD ME the "prep" takes 8-9 hours for a procedure that takes 12-15 minutes! I don't teach math but there is something VERY wrong here.

I guess the good news is that in the end, everything turned out okay. And throughout all of these ordeals God has been merciful and I have been okay. But holy moly what I wouldn't give for just ONE word of honesty about what REALLY happens at the doctor's office, or in day surgery, or in the emergency room. I just remembered my all time favorite, "sit back and relax, you won't feel a thing." When you hear that......RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

TGIF!!

Okay, I love Fridays. I mean seriously. Since I was small, Fridays were always THE day of the week. Before I started school, Fridays meant the last day of work for the week for my mom. That meant that on Saturdays we could go "downtown." Saturdays were days reserved for movies, shopping (even if it was only grocery shopping), and sleeping late. Fridays were the precursor to the weekend; to family and mom time. Fridays meant only ONE MORE DAY at the babysitters. As I got older, Fridays were the last day of school for the week and the start of the weekend. In elementary, it meant playing later outside and in junior high it meant sleep overs and birthday parties. In high school, Fridays signaled that by dark we would be "on the drag" and hanging out with our friends. You know back when you HAD to stay home during the week because it was a "school night." So Friday was our LEGAL day to be out at night. As I got older Friday became PAY DAY!!! And of course still the start of the weekend. Now that I am even older (sigh) Fridays still signal an end of something and the beginning of something better. The end to a week of work and early to bed to get up early for work. Friday in the spring means a WHOLE LOT of students out for sporting events which means smaller classes and less to do because so many students are gone. Many people say that Saturday is their favorite day of the week because they are "off". But I like Fridays the best. Granted I have to work that day but it is the LAST day of the week to work and ANYONE can make it 8 hours. And then when it is over you have the WHOLE weekend to look forward to. I love Fridays!!!